


Butterfly

by babycoxon



Category: Blur (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-07-30
Updated: 2021-01-17
Packaged: 2021-03-05 21:34:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 13
Words: 33,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25612138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/babycoxon/pseuds/babycoxon
Summary: Graham Coxon falls in love with the right boy at the wrong time. A few times.
Relationships: Damon Albarn/Graham Coxon
Comments: 21
Kudos: 44





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> Hello! I started this story years back after listening to Baby Came Home by The Neighbourhood (https://youtu.be/AZNaAyt_vXU)  
> but only left it as a sort of drabble with OCs and stuff. Over lockdown I turned it into a full-length Gramon thing. It's based off of Baby Came Home, but named after a song called Butterfly by Christina Perri.  
> (It's important, please listen to it: https://youtu.be/HnYXpAPV0L0)  
> I also made a playlist because it's extra and so am I 😎 https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1dgRGBoHo68CuITmBfVinF?si=F8tQIjiRTVK7GeAbrhJ3fw

_You're a pretty butterfly_   
_You keep on passing by_   
_You never land inside my hands_   
_Your home is in the sky_

  
_And there's a lesson waiting to be learned_   
_The fire starters always get the burns_   
_And the good guys never get the girl_   
_No shooting stars cannot fix the world_   
_And I've made the same mistakes_   
_But I won't this time_   
_No I won't this time_

_And you're a pretty butterfly_   
_And I believed all your lies_   
_Blinded by your sideways smile_   
_And the kindness in your eyes_   
_But there's a limit to your flight_   
_I can offer you a better life_   
_But you keep on flying from the light_   
_And I've lost my faith in wrong and right_   
_And I've made the same mistakes_   
_But I won't this time_   
_No I won't this time_

_I know exactly what you do_   
_I made damn sure I studied you_   
_You won't pick me_   
_I'm just a breeze underneath your wings_   
_So I pray each night you'll change your mind_   
_And maybe I'm worth the fight_   
_But I am wrong every time_

  
_You only know how to fly_

_You only know how to fly_   
_You only know how to fly_


	2. Madison Park

* * *

I met him in a grimy club in Madison Park. It was on the other side of town from me. I was out, waiting for a date to meet me here so we could bar-hop and eventually end up in bed together. It was what I did on Friday nights, since a lot of my friends already had partners. I didn't want to be alone anymore. 

It was his accent that piqued my interest. He was talking to the bar tender as if they were old friends. He was so loud, but the sound of his voice made me smile. A thick south-eastern England accent, coming from a beautiful boy. 

I'd decided that my date wasn't showing up. Downing my glass, I moved into the seat next to the man. He didn't even glance my direction, but I didn't mind. His hair was blonde and shaggy, his eyes a piercing blue. His frame was bigger than mine. His voice was deep and sweet. 

"Where are you from?" I asked eventually. 

"Capital Hill."

"But where are you really from?"

"Washington," he laughed. He was gorgeous--so youthful and full of light.

"Your accent says otherwise, baby."

"And who are you to call me baby?"

That made me smile. He glared at me. 

"Essex."

"Where in Essex?"

"Colchester. You want a drink?"

"No shit, Colchester?"

"What's it to you?I asked you a question."

"I did too."

"It's not every day a cute boy asks you if you want booze. Answer my question. "

"Sure. How'd you end up here?"

"Met a boy online."

"Where is he tonight?"

"Hell if I know. We split up."

"A shame. Does that mean I could get you back to mine tonight?"

"I'm not a prize to be won." He stared at me for a moment, biting his tongue. "Alright, maybe. How big's your flat?"

"It's pretty big for one person."

"Hm. Where is it?"

"Queen Anne."

"I'll take it."

He orders us a round.

"What brought you out tonight?"

"My loneliness, Dear."

"Cute."

"And what about you?"

"I was supposed to be meeting someone here, but he hasn't shown up."

"You came to get laid."

"I suppose."

"Cute."

We both downed a shot.

"When did you and your old man break it off?"

"He wasn't that much older than me."

I smiled to myself.

"When did you split?"

"What time is it?"

"Eleven-thirty."

"Five hours ago."

"Shit."

"I don't care. He'll miss me in a matter of days and call me. It's really a vicious cycle."

"How long have you two been a thing?"

"Four years, in person. Five in total."  
"How old are you?"

"Twenty-two."

"How old is he?"

"Thirty."

Jesus Christ. 

"You two live together?"

"Well, we did. But as of five hours ago, no. I'm homeless."

We took another shot.

"A pretty face like yours couldn't last long out there."

"I've got friends."

"It's cold out there."

"I've got meat on my bones."

"I suppose that's true. Would you mind if I take you home tonight?"

"If you buy me more alcohol and a pack of cigarettes, sure. Oh, and I get to sleep in your bed."

"It's a deal."

"What's your name, love?"

"Graham."

"I'm Damon," he held out his hand, a toothy grin on his face.   
\--  
When we got to my flat, Damon and I drank even more before we got to my bed. 

"Come here," he groaned from my hed.

I laughed, shaking my head, before crawling in next to him.

"Graham?"

"Yeah?" 

His hand rested on my thigh and he leaned up to kiss me. 

"You're pissed."

"I'm fine."

"Not tonight, dear. Maybe leave me your number and we'll meet up another time. But tonight, I think you should just go to sleep."

"You're too sweet," he slurred. His hand went to my face, squeezing my cheeks. I leaned in and pecked his lips, making him smile. "Tell me a story."

I smiled and twirled a strand of hair with my fingers. I told him about a boy who moved from Colchester to America when he and his family decided it wasn't working.   
-  
He was still asleep when I woke up the next morning, and I didn't have the heart to wake him. So I left him a message to tell him where I'd gone.  
But he was there when I got home. On my couch, watching television.

"Graham?" He asked as I walked in.  
"Yeah?"

"You're out of milk."

"Oh, we may as well make a date of it then."

"My boyfriend called. Not even twenty-four hours. A record."

"Oh,"I said, a little disappointed.

"Yeah," he shrugged, moving over so I could sit. "I don't think I'll go back this time."

"Why is that?"

" 'Cause I still want you. I can't sleep with you if I've got a boyfriend."

"You're weird."

"Maybe," he grinned, "but I also think you'd be crazy to throw out the opportunity to shag me. " 

I didn't know how serious he was.  
"I guess that's true."

He only laughed and laid his head on my shoulder. He let out a soft sigh. 

"What brought you here?"

"Me?"

"Who else?"

"Right. I just didn't like home anymore."

"But why here?"

"It's got a nice climate. Grey and dreary is what I'm used to."

"That can't be all."

His persistence had gotten a little annoying. 

"It's far away from my parents. They detest America, especially the liberal states. So I moved to one." 

"I can respect that."

"Yeah,"I laughed. "Where are you going to stay if you aren't going back to him?"

"I told you, I have friends."

Nodding, I stared over him for a second.

"Did you want to go out tonight?" I ask.

"To Safeway for milk, maybe."

"Are you staying here tonight?"

"If you'll have me."

"Do you need a change of clothes?"

"Sure."   
-  
Damon looked so cute in my clothes that day. I told him I'd buy him some things, but he refused. He said that he'd be gone tomorrow, and he had all he needed.

We kissed against the door before we left, and I couldn't get over his giggles and the way he looked in my clothes, blushing up at me as if he'd never been kissed. 

We went to Safeway and he told me about his boyfriend. It was cute to watch him glow like that. 

And speak of the devil, he called Damon in the store. I kept a respectful distance, but I didn't like the way I saw Damon acting. Sad, frustrated, apprehensive. I wondered what they'd spoken about.

"Are you sure you want to go back?" I asked. 

"Yeah, he loves me."

"Do you love him?"

"Of course I do! I've been with him since I was seventeen. I came all the way from England to be with him."

"Right," I nodded. "Now,"I say, clearing my throat, "would you like to go home, have some cookies and wine? Perhaps we can feel each other up too."

"Yes," he laughed.

So we did. I turned on a movie in my bedroom and we explored each other. But after our night together, he disappeared. 


	3. He Loves Me Not

My mystery Madison Park lover boy disappeared until three months later. He appeared on my doorstep with a backpack slung over his shoulders and tear-stained cheeks.

"Hi," I sighed, confused. He went to speak but stopped. "What happened?"

"Uh," he looked to his feet, "Alex kicked me out."

"Oh, Damon, I'm sorry."

The following silence was pleasantly awkward. It took me a moment to realize what he wanted from me.

"Why don't you come inside? I'll make you food and we can talk."

"Yeah," he nodded.

Timidly, he followed me inside. In that moment, I didn't understand why he'd come to me. He told me last time he had friends that he could stay with. Maybe they weren't such good friends after all.

We sat on my couch, his head in my lap. Our eyes scarcely met.

"It just feels so empty," he sighed, "inside me."

I nodded, gazing down at him. He could stop traffic with a face like that. Disgusting of me to only see his beauty when he's pouring his soul out to me, maybe.

"Yeah?"

"Yeah. It hasn't felt that way before. Every time we break up, I know I'll be going back and it doesn't hurt as bad as it should. Like it did the first time. But this time," he pauses, "it feels more real. Like I know, as time passes, maybe we won't end up together."

"Tell me about the first time," I whispered, brushing my thumb over his knuckles.

"It was my first breakup. He called me a whore and threw a glass at me. This shot glass I got in a convenience store in Idaho. I was still learning that that's just how America is, "he chuckled. "But I loved it. And he used it to try to hurt me."

"Does he hurt you?"I ask, sitting up and looking down at him, concerned.

"No, no, don't worry about that. He just gets angry. But he'd never hurt me."

I nodded and sat back.

"I stayed with my friend, Jamie, for a few days, then we patched it up. I thought it was forever, you know? I was eighteen. I didn't know shit. I still don't, if I'm honest."

"Why do you keep going back if you know it'll end again?"

Damon went silent. I kept my eyes on him, watching the emotions cross his eyes.

"I don't know. Maybe I just hope it'll go well. That he's really done with all of his shit and we can really settle down."

"Maybe he doesn't want to settle."

"I wish he'd tell me."

Tears welled up in his eyes. I watched his nose and top lip twitch, trying to hold them back. His jaw clenched and he took a deep breath. He turned onto his side and let them go, crying that he hated him again.

"Dames," I sighed lightly, my fingers running up and down the skin of the small of his back; gentle. "It'll be okay, alright? I'll make you some feel better stuff and we can go lay down. Does that sound good?"

Damon takes a deep breath and tries his best to sit up, using me as a crutch. 

Seeing him now versus three months ago don't even feel as if they exist in the same timeline. He was so confident, sassy, and full of light, as opposed to now. It was depressing.

He and I parted ways at the mouth of the hallway; a sigh leaving my lips as I heard his feet patter against the carpet, his fingertips running along the wall as he walked.

I went to the kitchen and quickly threw together some ice cream and grabbed the donut holes I'd bought myself for dinner. I also made tea.

"So," I hummed, going to his side of the bed. "I got some normal comfort foods and some tea."

"Thank you," he sniffled.

"This tea is straight from home, too. My sister sent it for my birthday as a peace offering."

"It's lovely, thank you."

I got into bed next to him to watch TV. His body leaned into mine softly after he placed his tea down. My eyes left the television and landed on his hands, where I noticed a scar; it ran from where his thumb bone and wrist met to just under the knuckle of his index finger. I wondered where he got it.

I was afraid Alex had hurt him. He was much older than Damon and me, and it's likely he'd been manipulated. I just hoped it was only manipulation.

"It's got to be me, right? I had to have done something wrong to set him off."

"I don't think it's you, Damon."

"It's not him. He's not crazy."

"I don't think you're crazy, Damon."

"You don't know shit about me."

"Maybe you are, then. But he still doesn't treat you well."

"Like you would."

"That isn't my point."

"Sorry," he wiped his eye. "I'm used to being on the defense."

"It's okay." I shook my head; I didn't know how to help him.

"Shut up, I don't want to feel these things."

"It's okay. Do you want me to take you out?"

"No, I want to stay here."

"Oh, okay, um...What can I do to distract you?"

"Get me drunk and put your hands on me."

"You know what you want, don't you?" I chuckled, trying to get a smile out of him. He only nodded his head.

We got wine drunk on the floor in front of the TV. Damon kept his hands on me the whole time, and held my hand while we had sex. It made me smile, but only while he wasn't looking.

We went outside afterward, Damon dressed in my t-shirt and his socks. We sat on the ground with our legs over the edge of the balcony.

"Babe, aren't you cold? All bare-legged?"

"No," Damon sighed with a smile, "it's not too bad."

I smiled back at him and let him rest his head on my shoulder.

"Babe?" he asked a moment later in a giggle.

"What?"

"We hardly know each other."

"I like pet names," I shrugged.

"That's sweet." I felt him kiss my jawbone, then my chin--so I grabbed his face with one hand and pulled him in for a kiss.

"Bastard."

Damon only laughed and laid back on the ground.

I had a view of the lake and the space needle from my apartment, but only the lake from the porch. I loved to come out here and draw the boats I saw.

"Graham?"

"Yeah?" I asked.

"I'm glad I met you."

I smiled, "sit up, come cuddle me."

Without any hesitation, Damon snuggled up to my side.

"You know, I had to kiss a lot of ass to get this apartment. I wanted to see as much as I could so I could paint it-"

"-you paint?!"

"I paint," I smiled, "mainly abstract landscape pieces, sometimes people. I love to paint the sea."

"Do you paint the boys you sleep with?"

"Not usually, but I'm willing to make an exception," I grin, kissing his head. "But I love it out here. I wouldn't care if I had to share my apartment with mice and had no warm water if I could still have this view. It's so nice. To see all the lush green over across the water; to see all the boats, the people. I like to see the fog in the morning and listen to the bustle of the city at night."

Damon didn't say anything but from the sounds of his breaths and the way he still held onto me I knew he was listening and understood.

"I moved here to get away from home, but it's just enough like home to make me happy. I've got a life here that five years ago me would have killed for."

"Tell me about it," Damon said in a yawn.

"I have my dream job and amazing friends in this amazing city. I keep meeting this cute boy, too. So that's a plus."

"That's funny, because I keep meeting this even cuter boy."

"How do I know you're not talking about Alex?"

"Alex isn't cute. He's like...intimidating and sexy. It's different."

"I'm not sexy?" I gasp, feigning hurt.

"You are _incredibly_ sexy."

The two of us laughed and shared a kiss.

Our nights were like that. He'd cry to me and then we'd have sex. We'd be al lovey-dovey afterward, then go to bed. I'd wake up the next morning and go to work, but he was always there when I got home. I was beginning to want to offer him my guest room if he wanted to pay rent. Not that I needed the help, I just missed my bed.

One night, Alex called while I had Damon on top of me. Our clothes were scattered about my room and we'd been at it for hours--and Damon looked the part. So he declined the facetime and went back to work.  
Later that night, after we'd showered, he called again.

"What is it?" Damon said. Anger rose in his body. "It's none of your business."

I subtly moved closer to see if I could hear.

"Are you fucking someone again?"

"No. Why would it matter to you?"

I never told him I listened.

There was a pause.

"Fuck if I am. That's not what you were saying when you were throwing my shit out the window." 

Pause.

"I'm not your boy, Alex. We're over, you said it yourself."

Pause.

"No, I do. I miss you a lot."

"Come back, baby."

I never liked what I heard from Alex.   
Damon hesitated before apologizing to him. Alex's next statement was unclear, but I could guess based on Damon's response.

"Can I meet you tomorrow? It's really late and I'm kind of tipsy, yeah?"

"Okay, my love, I'll see you tomorrow. I love you."

"I love you too," he sighed happily. I felt so bad for him. His naivety being taken advantage of. It made me sick.

"Lovers again?" I ask

"Yeah. He's such a sweetie. Always keeping me grounded."

"You're crazy."

"Maybe," he shrugged. He laid his head on my chest and slipped his hand up my t-shirt, fingertips gliding ever-so-slightly over my skin. I didn't want to let him go. 


	4. Aurora Avenue

If you'd believe it, he disappeared for six months this time. I couldn't stop thinking about him; wishing he'd call. I'd shop on his side of town, hoping to see him. I never did--but it was a cool September evening when he finally called me.

I'd been on a date with a guy from Tinder. Not my first since the last time I saw Damon. He was the only boy I could seem to think about. The guy was pretty peeved when I took the call--but it didn't matter.

"Damon?"

"Gra," he croaked. He didn't even have to tell me.

"Where are you?"

"Aurora Avenue."

Goddammit, this boy.

"Alright, stay where you are. Don't move. Are you near the bridge?"

"No, not really. North."

"Okay. I'll be there soon."

I made a quick apology to my date and told him I had an emergency.

Damon's so unpredictable.

I got in my car and got to him as fast as I could. I sped there, antsy to see him. Seeing him, alone and sickly at the gas station both broke me and made me feel new again. He had a faded bruise around his eye and his skin had a wretched yellow tint.

Damon muttered a hello and a thank you to me as he threw his bag in the back. My eyes fell onto his body; small, pale. Afraid. I wanted to hold him, but I wasn't sure it was appropriate. He stayed silent.

"I don't want to go home," He told me as we drove over the bridge. He looked out the window, watching out over the water. "This place freaks me out."

"How long have you lived here?"

"Four years."

"Right. This bridge is a hot spot for jumpers. That's why it feels like that."

"Hm."

"You believe in spirits and all that stuff, right? So you get it?"

"Yeah, Graham," he laughed.

I cleared my throat, "How did you end up out here? Your place is quite a hike from here."

"I have friends."

"Who do I need to kick the shit out of?"

"What do you mean? I got to you in one piece."

"You've got a black eye and you look like you haven't eaten in two weeks."

"Oh. I crashed Alex's car."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

The silence after that was grim.

"I worry about you."

"No need to, I'm a grown-ass man."

"At the ripe age of twenty-three."

"You're twenty-three, too, smartass."

"I was just giving you shit. How did you crash it?"

"Long story."

"Is that why he kicked you out?"

"No. I left."

"I'm proud of you."

"Why do I keep calling you?" He sighed. His tone was sarcastic, but I was afraid he really meant it.

"I don't know. I was going to get laid tonight. But I picked up your call."

"Probably because you knew you'd be getting better ass anyway."

"I suppose. I missed your pretty face, anyway. How do you look so stunning sporting a black eye?"

"It's just my outstanding genes, I suppose. Maybe my sweet forest nymph-like charm. We do live in the pacific northwest, I may very well be of the forest."

"I wouldn't be surprised."

"Don't take me home. I want to go out."

"Pardon me, dear, but you look like you just rolled out of the trash."

"It's a fashion statement."

"That's the gayest thing you've ever said to me."

"Can't say gay things when you're giving phenomenal head."

"It is quite remarkable."

He laughed. It was so beautiful, refreshing; hearing that sound come out of him. I missed it more than I care to admit.

"Still. I want you to take me anywhere but home. Take me to Seattle center and all the little gift shops. I'll buy I 5×3 inch print of Kurt Cobain for twenty dollars."

"He is our most prized possession."

"Exactly!"

"You never fail to amaze me, Albarn."

"What? Maybe I've got a thing for blonde dead men."

"I've got a thing for a blonde man."

"If it is what I think it is, then I'll take it."

"It usually is."

He laughed again.

"It's okay. I've got a thing for a brunette boy, but I'd never tell him. My boyfriend would wring his neck."

"If he can find me," I joked. He didn't really acknowledge it.

"I blocked him from everything."

"He could still find me."

"Seattle is a big city."

"You've got friends."

"Touche."

I did end up taking him to Seattle Center. It wasn't far from my house, so I didn't mind. We laid in the grass on a blanket I had in my trunk.

"You know, I've lived here four years and I've never been up there," he said, pointing up at the Space Needle.

"Really?"

"Too expensive and peopley. Alex doesn't like people, and he's cheap as hell."

"I'll have to take you to the restaurant up there."

"Isn't it expensive?"

"Doesn't matter. I'd like to wine-and-dine you anyway."

"Why don't I stay with you?"

"Hm?"

"You actually like me," he chuckled, squeezing my hand. "Alex's never been one to want to take me out."

"You're right, I do like you. And I'd love to take you out as often as you'd like."

"Let's do it then. I'm not going back this time. I'll find a place and I can try to be a functioning adult."

"Alright. You can stay at mine for the time being."

"It's a deal," he said, holding up his pinkie. I linked it with his and gave him a kiss.

Damon stayed with me through the winter months. He never found a place, but he got a job. It was mostly to take up time while I was away. He felt bad when he didn't have money, even though I didn't mind.

In our time off, I took him out as much as I could. We mainly went on walks down by the pier, hand in hand. Or, pinkie in pinkie. I liked to buy him knick-knacks at the gift shops.

He never liked to go East of the freeway, unless we were only driving through. Alex lived in Capital Hill.

One night, close to Christmas, Damon and I sat on my porch under blankets. There was no snow, but it was sure cold enough to. I really loved to just stare at him, taking in the beauty in front of me. I wanted to know what was going on inside his pretty little head.

"I could fall in love with you, you know," he told me.

"What's stopping you?"

He didn't say anything. I was afraid for the answer, for I was falling in love, too.

"Damon?"

"Yes, love?"

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah."

I didn't press, I just held him close.  
"I still worry about him," he finally told me. "He doesn't have a lot of money. A lot of his clients are finding new dealers and he's losing money. He doesn't have a good relationship with our landlord. I'm not there for him to whore out to the man, either."

The more I find out about this guy, the more I hate him.

"He's old enough to sort his own shit out."

"I know, but I still worry. I loved him for a long time, you know."

"How did you two meet?"

"Dating site."

"Hm."

"Yeah."

We stayed quiet for a while. Usually, Damon smoked while we sat out here, but he quit two months ago. He said it reminds him too much of Alex.

"He had this girlfriend when I first moved out here. The three of us lived together. It was always competition between us. Clearly, I won."

I didn't know what to say to him. I never did when he'd get onto this rants about his previous life. So I just let him speak.

"Plus, if she slept with the landlord it wasn't a scandal. But I'm a guy, thirty years the guy's junior, so that's blackmail material."

"Jesus, Damon."

"It was Alex's idea."

"I'm glad you got out of there."

"Me too. I have a cute roommate now who actually likes me."

"He really does. He doesn't know why though, since you're such an asshole."

"Graham," he shrieked, giggling. "I am not an asshole."

"I know. I just like to tease you."

"I think I do love you," he sighed, kissing my cheek. I turned my head and kissed him directly on the mouth, making him laugh harder.

"I love you too."

He smiled at me and kissed me again. Always such an intoxicating exchange.

I didn't love him then. I didn't know that. I don't think he loved me then, either. But I knew that's what people said to each other.

Christmas Eve, Damon got a call.

"I don't know this number," he said.

"Don't answer."

"What if it's Alex?"

"Exactly."

"Gra, I'm worried."

"Don't answer it. What if it's not him?"  
"It could be someone who needs help."

"You're too nice."

He answered it. I watched as every emotion under the sun crossed his face.

"Don't call me baby," is the first thing he said. Alex sounded angry.

"Damon," I whispered.

"Who the fuck is that?!" I heard from the other line.

"It's none of your business!"

"Where are you?"

"Hang up," I whispered again. He held onto my arm, glancing over at me.

"Damon, I swear to God, why do you think you can just run around town being a whore?"

He hung up the phone.

"Block that number."

He did it.

"What is wrong with him?" He asked, anger present in every atom of his being.

"I-I don't know. I don't want you in contact with him. He's going to hurt you."

I watched tears well up in his eyes,"I don't understand how this happened. He used to be so sweet."

"You're okay here, alright? We're safe here."

An hour later, he got another call.

"What do you want?"

I rested my head on Damon's shoulder to listen. He held my hand and rubbed a small circle with his thumb on the back of my palm.

"I don't want to spend Christmas  
alone."

"You've got plenty of people you can spend time with, Alex."

"None of them are you. None of them are my baby."

"I'm not your 'baby' anymore, Alex."

Damon's hand went to my hair. We sat in my windowsill, watching the snow start to fall. White Christmases were rare.

"Just be mine for the night, please. I got you gifts. Little things you like."

"I don't need your money. I don't need you. I'm fine on my own."

"Bull-shit you're on your own. You've never worked a day in your life. You sleeping in a tent-city with your bum friends?"

"Leave me alone, please."

"No, Damon, baby, come back to me. Just for the night. Please."

He looked down to me, a look of despair placed on his face.

"No. If you call me again I'm calling the police."

"Baby..."

He hung up.

"Why don't you tell him you're with someone new?"

"He'll kill you."

"You haven't told me much about him, other than that he sells drugs."

"He just," he sighed, pausing. "He's not powerful in the superhero movie villain way. But if he wants someone's head he can get it. He's insanely possessive and territorial. The thought of me being with someone else drives him up the wall. And people know his name, his face. People will kill for him."

"How would he know who I was?"

"He's insane."

We both stayed silent after that. His body was tense and he had begun to chew on his bottom lip. 

"Damon."

He didn't look at me.

"What if I went back?"

I wanted to cry. I didn't want him to go away again. After a year, I finally got to tell him I loved him. I had him and he was mine, I was his. I couldn't let him go back-- _especially_ to Alex.

"No."

"He needs me. And if I don't, what if he finds us?"

"Damon!" I sat up, staring at him. "Don't you dare. You're going to get hurt. I'd rather die than see you hurt."

His eyes filled with tears again.

"You told me you love me."

"I do."

"Don't go back to him. Stay here, with me. Safe. We'll have Christmas together, just like we planned. Okay?"

He nodded in agreement, still a bit shaken. I slipped my hands into his cold ones and pressed a kiss to his temple.

We turned off our phones and celebrated together. He told me his family used to do Christmas pajamas on Christmas eve, so he got us a matching pair. I thought it was dorky, but the excitement on his eyes made my heart do a flip.

Everything went lovely. We watched A Christmas Story and cuddled on my couch. Him being him, however, felt Christmas was a special enough occasion to buy a little get-up.

"Don't I look cute?" He sighed, smiling down at me.

"Adorable, baby," I smiled, motioning for him to come closer. He crawled into my lap, straddling my hips. I ran my hands up the backs of his thighs, squeezing his hip gently.

"I love you."

"I love you too."

Shockingly enough, he and I made love on the floor of my living room. Then on the couch. A couple of times.

"God," he laughed, resting his head on my bare chest. "I love you."

"I love you too."

"That gets better every time we do it."

"You're a dork."

"You love me."

"I really do."

He yawned, nuzzling his face to my chest.

"I'm sleepy."

"It is two a.m."

"Oh, well, Merry Christmas," he laughed.

"Merry Christmas." I kissed him, holding him close.

"We better go to sleep, or Santa won't come."

I smiled to myself and kissed him on the head, "goodnight, my love."


	5. Wood Splinters, Metal Will Rust

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter has a playful NSFW conversation and mentions of violence. Just thought I'd warn y'all.

"Graham, I'm bored."

"Hm," I shrugged as I cut vegetables for our dinner. "What do you want to do tonight?"

"Dunno," he sighed. He'd rested his head against the table. "I haven't caused trouble in far too long."

I didn't like where that was going.

"What kind of trouble, Damon?"

"Let's go vandalize something, or jump off the Aurora."

"I'm sorry, my love, but I have work tomorrow."

"Fine then, let's leave. We could go to Canada."

"I don't have gas."

I placed the lid onto the pan and stood across from him.

"Let's get some, you're a millionaire."

"I'm not a millionaire."

"Whatever, you get my point."

I cleared my throat, "why don't we take our dinner up to the roof and eat there?"

"Sounds good to me."

There was a moment of silence, and Damon had started to play with his sleeve; the fabric had started to rip.

"We could try something new in bed tonight."

"Damon," I laughed.

"What? You don't want to experiment?"

"It's not that. I'm just really tired."

"Alright," he shrugged. "Maybe we can online shop for weapons."

"I thought you were all about karma or whatever."

"I didn't say I'd use them on people. They're just cool."

"You're adorable."

He gave me a small smile and shook his head.

"I'm so happy to have you," I told him honestly.

"I'd much rather be yours than...  
than _his._ "

"I know baby," I cooed, slipping my hand into his.

I watched him for a moment and wondered what he'd been thinking about.

He'd do that occasionally; one of us would mention Alex and he'd space out. I still didn't know fully what happened between the two of them. I'd never understand, but it was starting to bother me that I didn't know.

Of course, I understood that it wasn't a secret and that he wasn't hiding anything from me. He said he wasn't ready and I accepted it.

"Baby?"

"Yeah?"He asked softly.

"Talk to me."

"I'm okay," he smiled. "Let's go eat dinner?"

I didn't budge.

"Look," he sighed, "I know you want to know everything but I am repulsed at the thought of re-opening those wounds right now."

My eyes stayed on him, but my emotions swayed from stern to worry.

"I'm sorry."

"No, it's fine. I just want to go eat dinner with my boyfriend."

I only nod and turn back to the stove to turn the heat back up. Pouring the bag of tortellini into a pot of water, I try my hardest to stay minding my own business. Damon would snap if I asked again, but it was still on my mind.

I heard a sigh come from him, then his feet against the carpet. His arms wrapped around me, face against the nape of my neck.

"What?" I said with a chuckle.

"Nothin'," he sighed. I smiled and kissed his head.

We shared dinner on the roof, snuggled up in blankets and hoodies. It was March then, just after mine and Damon's birthdays. Seattle was still cold.

He sat in my lap and we watched the sunset. My hand held his tight, thumb running up and down the back of his.

"You never told me about your scar."

"Oh," he shrugged. "Remember when I crashed Alex's car?"

"You had it before that happened."

Damon went quiet. He shifted his weight a bit and grabbed onto my hand.

"I got it a while ago," he practically whispered. "Um, Alex and I got into it pretty bad one night. He left and I got really upset, so I punched the wall in the kitchen. Bruised my knuckles pretty bad." Damon then hesitated, "then I broke all of our dishes. I cut my hand on one but kept going, and it made it worse."

I wasn't buying that. I didn't see Damon ever getting that angry. Not to mention, it was a gnarly scar.

"Shit, baby, that's awful,"I said. "It got that bad?"

"Yeah, I had to get stitches. Alex was pretty pissed off."

"Did he have a short temper all the time?"

"Yeah. He was so weird," he chuckled. "He was amazing most of the time. When everything was okay. But when he lost it, he really lost it. I, unfortunately, felt it the most. I'd rather it be me than Jamie or any of the girls who came over."

"Girls? Jamie?"

"Jamie is my best friend. Or, was. I don't know. And we always had people over. Alex liked his girls too, but he was a different person with them. I always cooked for them when they'd come over."

"Sounds like you carried a lot on your back."

"I did," he shrugged. "But like I said, I knew my place and what was expected. It wasn't like, 'Damon, if you don't do this I'm going to be upset,' it was more, just, unspoken I guess. I was the housewife and Alex worked. It was just our normal."

"Wow."

"Yeah. I don't look back at that with any anger or negativity. I liked taking care of things. I just didn't like being treated like I'm evil all the time."

"Is that what happened, then?"

"What?"

"Between you two."

"He was a really shitty fucking person."

I only stared in confusion. Damon sighed.

"He'd get really upset over small things. I was always in the wrong, even if I had nothing to do with whatever happened. He'd yell and throw things and," he took a deep breath and stopped to think, "we'd just fight a lot."

"Did he ever hurt-"

"No."

"Good."

"I just needed to get out of there. He was controlling and manipulative. I didn't have any freedom.

"And part of me is really upset at myself for letting it happen, but I was so young. He took advantage of my naivete, rather than being careful, you know?"

I nodded.

"I tried to tell him it wasn't my fault once," he laughed. "He screamed in my face and told me nothing is ever my fault!"

"I'm so glad you're not with him anymore."

"I know," he sighed, laying back down on my chest.

"How did he react when you crashed the car?"

"I'll tell you another time."

I sighed and kissed his temple, "okay, lovely." I felt him lean into me. Closing my eyes, I breathed in everything around me. The sea air, the smell of Damon, feeling the cool breeze against my skin. Feeling his weight against mine. His hair tickling my chin. "I love you."

Damon just hugged me tighter.

\--

Damon sang to me at night. I'd rest my head in his lap and he'd run his cold fingers through my hair; fingertips brushing over my cheekbones. He sang dreamily, every word melted together in a somber sort of beat. Every breath mesmerized me just as much as the last.

He sang until I fell asleep and would somehow magically reposition himself afterward. He liked to be the big spoon.

We'd reassume the position when I'd wake from nightmares. I had been having a lot of them. Reoccurring ones in which Damon got taken from me somehow or that he'd turn his back on me. Damon would sing to me this song that didn't have a title yet but always made me feel better.

I woke up alone that night. The moonlight illuminated where Damon had laid before. Taking a deep breath, I sat from my spot and looked around the room. The bathroom and hallway lights were both off, and my apartment was eerily silent. Still. I didn't even hear the constant commotion of the world outside.

"Damon?" I called in a hushed tone.

Still, there was silence. A lump arose in my throat and I tried to push it away, only to have the feeling of suffocating push back.

"Damon?" I asked again, entering the hallway. Against the eggshell walls of the living room was a blue glow from the television. No sound came from it.

At last, sound. A sound I'd hoped I'd never hear; Damon's muffled sobs, the hiccuping and sniffles.

"Baby."

His shy silhouette stopped, wiped his eyes, and turned to look at me. I was so relieved to see him. 

"Are you okay?"

"Yeah!" He sniffled. "I'm great."

Standing there, I contemplated pushing any more. I was just glad to know he was here, and nowhere near Alex.

"What happened?"

"Why are you up?" He asked after opening his arms for me.

"I...I couldn't sleep."

I laid down with my head in his lap, cherishing the feeling of his fingers in my hair.

"Why couldn't you sleep?"

"Nightmare," I lied. "The same one. The...the one where you leave me. I don't even know where it comes from. I've never had anyone leave me. I don't know what I'd do if you left me."

He didn't say anything, but kept his fingers in my hair.

"Sing to me, please."

 _You seem very beautiful to me._ He sang. It was that title-less song.

"You never told me why you were upset."

"Oh," he chuckled. "I just saw one of those sad animal shelter ads."

"You're adorable," I sighed. "You're such a softie."

And such a great liar.   
-  
The next morning, I woke up alone again. This time the scent of cooking food and the sound of pop music filled the apartment.

"Good morning," my baby called to me.

"What are you doin'?" I asked, resting my hand on his hip and pulling him in for a kiss.

"Now? Making breakfast. Later? Hopefully you."

"Doesn't have to be later," I hummed, kissing his cheek and grabbing his ass playfully. He'd only been wearing a t-shirt and his underwear.

"You want me to drop everything I'm doing and let you take me right here?" He scoffed. "You know me too well."

Both of us laughed and I sat myself down at the bar. Damon cooked and sang along to his 'cooking mix,' which consisted of girl power-pop from the nineties and early 2000s. He also loved musicals.

"Where did you get your music taste? Your mum?"

"Yeah,"he shrugged. "And the drag queens in Capital Hill. I used to go to three or four shows a week. I was just excited that other gay people existed."

I smiled, "I love you."

"Well, I love you more."

"Nice try," I laughed. "I should play you more of my music." See, I always let Damon play what he wanted. I liked how excited he was to show me what he had.

"This isn't all I like!" He huffed, grabbing his phone from the counter. "I like other, cool stuff."

The music stopped and soft guitar came through.

"And what's this?"

"Hozier," he said proudly.

"Gay music."

"Gay music!" We both laughed.

I just sat and watched him, in awe at every move he made. The way he laughed from his belly and his eyes crinkled.

He served us plates and sat down next to me.

"Baby," I hummed,"you know your legs drive me crazy, right?" My hand rested on his thigh, gently creeping up further.

"Do they?" he asked innocently. My touch left goosebumps up his leg.

We kept eye contact as I touched him.. An involuntary whimper came from him as my hand reached the space between his thighs. Delicately, I brushed my fingers against him making him gasp and look up at me. 

"Not yet," he snapped, pushing my hand away. I stopped and stared at him for a second, smirking. He didn't look at me, only ate his food. 

"What are you looking at?" 

"You. You're impossible to not look at."

"Well, stop it." 

"You're terrible at this."

"I know," he whined, throwing his fork down and making me laugh. 

"You should just let me be the dominant one, maybe." 

"I can be dominant," he pouted, sticking his tongue out at me. 

"Okay," I said, trying not to laugh. 

"When I was with Alex, I was always on top. I mean, I never gave it to him but I was always on top." 

"Really?" 

"I mean yeah, it was because he was lazy, but I was still on top." 

"You do look great on top of me," I teased, poking at his side.

He let out a huff, laying down his fork again. 

"What?" 

"I'm all hot and bothered now, but I refuse to waste food. No dick is good enough to waste food." 

"I'm hurt," I scoffed playfully. He only smirked and continued with his meal. 

  
After breakfast, Damon suggested we drank a cup of coffee on the porch. I also think he was stalling because he knew that it drove me nuts when I couldn't have him. Bastard.

It was early March, so the air hadn't quite warmed up yet. He wrapped a blanket around his shoulders to keep in the heat. The amount of his tan skin that I could see was making me crazy. I just wanted to touch him, but I didn't want to give him that satisfaction. 

I couldn't keep my eyes off of him. He looked gorgeous in every light, at every angle. Every feature was more fascinating and beautiful than the last. He was perfect.

"Gra?" He laughed, snapping me from the trance he'd held me in.

"Yes, my love?" 

"You okay? You're all zoned out." 

"Oh, yeah. I'm just thinking about…" I paused, trying to find the right words. "touching you."

"Pervert," he laughed. He stood from his seat, holding out his hand. "Come on."


	6. I won't be back here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Just a reminder, here is the playlist for this book :) https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1dgRGBoHo68CuITmBfVinF?si=IB2G5djZTty50gneIV1YTw

Last night, everything was more amazing than it usually was. Damon and I couldn't separate ourselves from one another; our bodies and tongues stayed intertwined. Damon held onto me like he'd never get to again. I never wanted it to end.

I had begun to think I was addicted to him. To every breath he took. Every face he made. The words he spoke. The way his crystal blue eyes sparkled in the city lights. Everything he did was like cocaine; so good, so addicting that I'd kill to get one more taste.

He'd sung me a song that night. It was a song he'd played before, but I never took notice to the words.

 _And the wind and snow_  
_And the rain that blows_  
_None of those_ _would_ _matter much_  
_Without you_

_And as long as its talking with you,_  
_Talk of the weather will do._

I didn't fall asleep. His cold fingers ran through my hair like they always did. Nothing existed outside of us.

The next morning, I woke up alone. I'd assumed he'd just gone to work so I went on with my day, despite not even having a good morning text living in my phone.

That morning, the sun didn't shine in like it seemed to have always done, even on cloudy days. The wind was stronger against the building; Damon's birdfeeder had flown off itself hook and smashed into the patio wall. A thick blanket of fog enveloped everything outside the windows. It felt too early to be having a storm.

Mindless, I did my normal thing and took a warm shower, got dressed, and headed to the kitchen to have some tea. A light pink piece of paper sitting on the counter caught my eye.

_Graham, my love. I'm sorry._

_I love you. I love you from here to Pluto one million and one times. I love you like I've truly never loved anyone or anything before. I needed to go, and for that I am so sorry. It is for selfish reasons that I wrote this to you--I couldn't bare to see you cry. I'll be back. One day. I can't tell you when but I know it will be one day. I hate myself for this. But I need you to know that I love you. And I'm sorry. This is what is right for me right now._

_Goodbye my darling boy._

_With all of the love imaginable,_

_Damon._

I felt like throwing up. My chest tightened and I couldn't get enough air. The pain spurted up my chest, into my back and neck, then into my ears. Warm streaks ran down my cheeks as I choked on sobs. My legs hit the ground, everything above me spinning.

I held the note to my chest and sobbed at the thought of my baby really being gone. I thought I had him. Forever. Forever and ever and he was mine and I was his. He was gone.

I loved him then. I think he loved me.

But if he really loved me as much as he said he did in that letter, why did he go? Why did he leave me? Where did he go?

That anxiety settled in on the second day without him. I didn't know if he was safe. Did he have money? Was he alone? Did Alex find him?

I called him that night. Sat alone on the porch with a beer in my hand.

"Damon, m-my baby," I cried to his voicemail, "I got your letter. Please call me. Please. I just need to know you're safe."

Nothing in response.

Nothing was the same after that day. I couldn't get work done. I couldn't sleep or make art or eat anything. Food didn't taste the same without him there.

All of my plants had died and my carpet hadn't been vacuumed. The morning sunlight didn't touch my sheets the same way it did when he was there.

I wrote songs about him. Nothing I'd ever let him hear, although he always liked it when I played my guitar.

I convinced myself I hated him for leaving me. Why hadn't he said goodbye to me? Why did he leave?

I didn't even know where he'd gone or with whom. I didn't know why. I didn't know if he had any money or food to eat. It hurt the worst not knowing if he was safe.

I'd called him. It always went to voicemail. Sometimes I'd call just to hear his voice on the message he left. It always hurt me to hear his laugh at the end.

At night sometimes, I never wanted to go home. I'd park my car at the gas station I picked him up at in September and walk down the bridge, staring over the water. It moved so slowly, so peacefully that you'd forget what lived under the surface.

I'd even go to the park and lay under the Space Needle, thinking about the fact that I never took him up there. I'd think of all of the things I never did for him. I slept in my car a lot to avoid sleeping in the bed where he used to.

I never touched his things. They stayed in place for in case he ever came home. He was very particular about where everything went. Every single item had a place, even if it wasn't pleasing to see. Damon was somehow the messiest and the most particular person I'd ever met.

He was still my lock-screen wallpaper.

"Come home," I cried into his voicemail one night. "O-or tell me you're okay, yeah? Or that you want nothing to do with me," I took a deep breath, trying not to sob. "That you want nothing to do with me and that I need to stop calling. Just tell me something, please."

I called again the next night to tell him I loved him. I checked the news for any signs of him every day. Missing persons, obituaries--anything.

The next night I called to tell him I miss him, but the voicemail lady told me his mailbox was full and he couldn't receive messages. I cried for hours that night.

I drove up to Vancouver one Saturday morning. I'd promised to take him there because Alex never let him go anywhere. He wanted to see everything.

I could've sworn I'd seen him there. But there was no one like Damon. This boy was too tall to be him, anyway.

But I did meet a boy in the art store in Capital Hill the following week. He was really sweet, until I'd asked him if he'd seen Damon.

"I haven't seen him since September," he told me. "He owes me a lot of money."

The man was tall, skinny. Just like Damon was when I'd picked him up after leaving Alex. His hair was dark and shaggy, pretty brown eyes and sharp features.

"Oh."

"Yeah," he chuckled, "he isn't my problem anymore."

I didn't know much about Damon.

I called Damon again two days later. His mailbox wasn't full anymore, which I hoped meant he'd listened to them and not deleted them.

My mental health had (obviously) taken a nosedive. I was having thoughts I hadn't in a long time. I told myself it was silly to let some boy affect my recovery.

I'd considered finding Alex's number. I didn't know if that was because I wanted closure, drugs, or a new target directly in the center of my forehead. I knew Damon would yell at me for even having the thought.

I was beginning to think that maybe Damon was actually crazy. I'd thought about all of the things he'd said to me. He'd always tell me that I ate too much sodium and that listening to the radio gave him migraines. I thought about how delusional and indecisive he could be. How he'd make up stories on the fly and write them into songs.

I tried to convince myself that those were all bad things and that he's crazy and I shouldn't love a crazy person. Instead, every memory hurt worse. Even our worst fights had become fond memories-- because he was here.

Home didn't even feel like home anymore. A void lived in my chest that couldn't be filled with anything, even when I tried. I tried to drink it away and smoke it away and fill it with shitty tinder hookups. Nothing worked.

He'd left a sweater in my bed. I wore it every day. It smelled like him; old cigarette smoke, drugstore cologne, and maple. I even wore the crystal pendant he wore almost every day yet somehow forgot; it was made from milky quartz and black tourmaline. It looked prettier on him than it did on me.

A friend of mine came over on a Thursday in May. She met Damon a couple of times and really liked him. Him and her girlfriend had gotten close. I'd hoped they'd heard from him. They hadn't, and apparently thought nothing of it.

"I'm sure he's fine, Graham," Lynn told me over coffee. "If there's anything we know for sure about him, it's that he's got a lot of wacked up shit going on inside that pretty little head of his."

"I know," I sighed, stirring my coffee with a spoon. There really was a lot.

"We also know that he loves you. Chrys told me that the night they went out together he only talked about you."

"She really hasn't heard from him?"

"No, Graham," she sighed sadly. "I want to say yes as much as you want me to. I hate seeing you this way."

"Has she tried?"

"Yes. Maybe he went home and isn't getting cell reception."

"He hates his parents."

"He's also a narcissistic, twenty-four year old drug addict with commitment issues."

I stopped my movements to process what she'd said.

"He isn't an addict."

"Have you met him?"

"You don't know him the way I do, Lynn. We're honest and open with each other. He knows everything about me and I know everything about him-"

"You really believe that?"

I stayed silent. I didn't know anything about him aside from what he let me see. I didn't know as much as I'd wanted to.

"Why do you think he disappears for months at a time, Graham? Because he loves and misses that shitty ex boyfriend of his? Why do you think he stays with him?" She stopped and stared at me. "If he's his pet, he gets free dope. I'm surprised you didn't see that sooner."

"What?"

"Alex sells cocaine, Graham. He didn't tell you?"

"No! No, I knew that. I knew that," I sighed. "I just...I guess I didn't connect those dots," I sighed, rubbing my temples. "So what if he is? I'm still allowed to love and miss him. To feel for him."

"You can't trust someone like that."

"Chrysanthemum does."

"They have a different relationship. "

"How do I know that's where he is now?"

"You don't. But Graham, honestly, has he ever not come back?"

"No. But this time is different than every other time."

"Maybe so. He'll be home before you know it."

"What if he doesn't?"

"Life goes on. The planet still spins. The tides still wash up on the beaches. It'll be okay. If you love him, you'll need to come to terms with that."

"I don't want to," I said, choking back a sob.

"I know. But you've got to let him go. It's been two months."

"I miss him."

"I know. Have you called his friends?"

"He never let me meet them."

"Are they real?"

"Lynn, please."

She shook her head in apology, and neither of us spoke for a while. I stared out over the city, wondering where he could be. Maybe if I looked hard enough, I could find some sign of him. It was a big city.

"He's so addictive."

She looked over at me, her brows furrowed.

"I want him so desperately. He's the only thing in my head. He's the only thing in my veins and in the air around me. He's the only thing I want."

"Then I pray to God he comes home."

"Me too," I mumbled. Lyndsey put out her cigarette in the ashtray and rested her legs on the railing of the patio.

She was someone I was always jealous of. She was truly a beautiful person; I liked how she wore funny earrings and shiny boots and baggy clothes. She always wore a beanie and kept her hair dark. She liked to play her guitar while her girlfriend braided her hair. They were perfect.

I loved Chrysanthemum too-- she was equally beautiful in her own ways. Culturally and socially aware. Her hair was hot pink and yellow was her favorite color. She made sure everyone knew. They really knew each other. They were what I wanted to be.

I wanted something like what they had. I almost did, but I'd apparently ruined it.

"Graham," she said. "I love you. It's so hard to see you this way. I'm harsh about it but it's because I care."

"I know."

"I hope he comes home."

I nodded and looked back out over the city.

"What if he's really gone?"I asked in a whisper, feeling my chest tighten at the thought. 

"I don't know."

I swallowed hard and closed my eyes. I wanted to think he'd just show up one day and everything would be okay.

After Lynn kissed me goodbye, I laid on the floor and listened to the album Damon bought me for my birthday for the umpteenth time. My limbs melted into the carpet and the stars on the ceiling seemed to really twinkle in the dark. I was truly all alone.


	7. Still I Cling

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chrysanthemum is a flower!! chrys is short for chrysanthemum!! I promise I didn't spell Chris like a white mom lol   
> \+ her name is said like chris-an-the-mum)

June came along and I'd started giving up. I wished Damon hadn't told me he'd come back so I felt like I could let go.

Chrysanthemum came over to help me clean house. We got rid of the dead plants and got new ones. We re-did both bedrooms and the living room--after much hesitation from me.

See, I still had Damon's knick knacks and posters and clothes laying around my house. They reminded me of him and I liked it, even if it made me sad. Chrys wanted to help me get over it. And I had-- I mean, I was better then than I was before. But I had a sliver of hope that Damon would come home.

"Chrysanthemum," I sighed.

"It's weird when you call me my full name," she laughed.

I ignored her, shaking my head,"what if he comes back? He'll be pissed that I got rid of his stuff."

"Graham."

"I know. It's pathetic."

"Don't say that! It isn't your fault he left you this way."

My phone rang, interrupting us. It was a number I didn't recognize, calling from Maine.

"Scam?" She asked, furrowing her brow. She poked at her lip piercing.

"Probably."

I declined the call and sat on the couch. We'd just gotten home from the nursery she worked at.

"I'm worried about you. Keeping his stuff around will make everything worse, Gra."

"I know."

"Do you think he'll come back?"

"Of course he will!"

She sighed and tucked her hair behind her ear, "let's get something to eat and come back to this later. We'll order mexican food, okay?"

I nodded and looked back at my phone. Nothing.

While we ate, we sat and watched some French film Chrysanthemum loved.

My phone screen lit up.

_Graham ):_

"Chrys, that number texted me. They know my name."

"Oh shit," she shrugged.

"That's freaky."

"You're paranoid. It's probably a number you deleted on accident."

"What if it's Alex or something?"

"Wait it out, then. If it is, we'll contact the FBI or something," she said, nonchalant.

_Graham_   
_Call me back_   
_Please?_

I sighed.

_No._   
_Who is this?_

_It's a surprise._

_Is this Alex?_

_Alex?_   
_It hurts that you don't recognize me):_

_I'm sorry._

_Then call me._   
_Just trust me...? please?_

_Okay_ _, fine._   
_I guess I can call you._

_I'll talk to you tonight babe xo_

"Gross."

"What? Is it Alex?" She asked, leaning over to look at my screen.

"No, I have no idea who it is. They want me to call them. Called me babe."

"Babe? What if it's Damon?"

"Why wouldn't he call me from his number?"

"Maybe he got a new phone."

"Why would he get a new phone?"

She hummed an I-don't-know, "his ex-boyfriend seems like the stalker type."

"Why is he in Maine?"

"I don't know! For lack of a better term, he's crazy."

"I don't think it's him," I shrugged. Why would he randomly contact me after three months?

She didn't say anything and kept picking at her nail polish.

"I think a Pilea plant would look great in that corner," she said moments later, motioning to the empty corner next to the television.

Nervously, I rubbed the crystal on Damon's necklace.

"I guess. You're the one who works in a nursery."

She didn't say anything.

"I'm afraid for him to come back," I told her honestly. "What if he's changed?" I must have been so annoying at that point.

Chrysanthemum looked at me with sad eyes.

_He's not coming back._

She didn't have to say anything; I knew what she had to say.

"I'm going to call this person tonight."

"Are you sure that's safe?"

"I don't really care," I admitted. Once again, I'm met with a sad glance before she gets back to her food.

Later, Chrysanthemum decided we needed to redo my bedroom again.

"Chrys, I don't think I need this."

"Does the way it's set up make you happy?"

"It's fine."

"That's not yes."

My phone rang again.

"Maine?"

"Yeah."

"I'll be out in the living room."

"Hello?" I asked, annoyed. "This is Graham."

"I know, silly. I called you."

I felt my heart stop.

"Damon," I whispered.

"I told you we'd meet again."

I wanted to cry. To yell and scream at him.

"Are you okay?"

"I'm good," he sighed. "What about you?"

"To be honest? I'm terrible."

Damon didn't say anything, but I could picture him wherever he was. Biting on his tongue as he thought.

"I'm sorry."

"Where are you?"

"I'm in this lovely little town called Camden."

"Maine?"

"Maine. Super small. I took a bus out here-"

"You took a bus? Across the country?"

"Yeah,"he said nonchalantly. "I couldn't fly."

"Why?!"

"I'd be easily trackable that way. Plus, I was carrying drugs."

"Damon."

"Only a little. Nothing too harsh. Herbal supplements."

"How...how did you pay for that?"

"I had some money."

"From where?"

"That's not important. I, um, I wanted to call you when I got here. But I was afraid. I'm sorry."

"No, no, baby, you don't need to be afraid. I love you."

"I know and that's why I was afraid."

"Are you homeless?"

"No. I live with this rad lady named Ramona and her granddaughter, June. They're witches."

That made me think back to the first time he stayed with me. When we sat in the bathtub and he told me how he believes in the universe rather than a God.

"How did you meet them?"

"They own a diner down the road. I told them what happened and they convinced me to stay with them. They're brilliant cooks."

"So let me get this straight: you moved to a small town, moved in with witches, and now they're trying to fatten you up? Sounds sketchy to me."

"Doesn't matter, carbs go straight to my ass anyway."

"Jesus christ, I've missed you. Smart ass."

"I've missed you too," he said softly.

"Hey, listen," I sighed, "Chrysanthemum is here. I'm going to tell her she can go home so we can talk, okay?"

"Okay," he laughed. "Tell her I miss her."

"Will do."

I placed my phone down on the nightstand and went to the living room. She looked at me riddled with concern.

"Don't tell Lynn."

"Who is it?"

"It's Damon."

"Holy shit."

"Yeah," I grinned. "Um, you don't have to stay around. I'm okay."

"You sure? You want me to go home?"

"I mean, if you want to. I'll be fine."

"Okay," she nods, standing from her seat. "Let me know if you need anything. I love you."

She pulled me in for a hug and gave me a kiss on my cheek.

"He said he misses you."

"Then why the fuck is he still gone?" she laughed sadly.

"I don't know," I sniffled.

"You better get back to your man."

"Okay. I love you."

"I love you too. I'll text you when I get home."

I nodded and walked her to the door, waving her down the hallway. I couldn't make it back to my boy fast enough.

"Damon?"

"Hi baby."

I didn't want to mince words with him. I wanted to know why he left me and what I could do to bring him back.

"Why don't you come home?"

"I can't, Graham. I left for a reason."

"You never told me that reason."

"Alex."

"What?"

"Yeah. He called me one night and-"

"Are you there with him?!" I scoffed.

"No! He called me to threaten me."

"Did he hurt you?!"

Hesitation.

"Yes."

A terrible anger grew in my chest; the thought of any one hurting Damon was enough to drive me up the wall.

"What did he do to you?"

"Graham, it's not important. It was months ago. I don't care!"

"It is! It is important! What did he do to you?!"

"Well, the night I left, Jamie was supposed to pick me up. But when his car pulled up, Alex was inside. We...we talked. He told me I owed him a lot of money. I told him I didn't have any so he dropped it and he drove me to a park in Magnolia. He hit me in the face. Gave me a black eye."

My conversation with Lyndsey ran through my head. Maybe I didn't know as much as I thought I did. Why would Damon owe Alex money? Had he lied to me all of those times I asked if Alex ever hurt him?

"I'm going to kill him."

"Graham, baby, don't go there. Please."

"Anyone who hurt you deserves it."

"It wouldn't make you any different from him. He's," he hesitated and I could hear a sharp breath on the other line. "He's killed people, too."

"What?"

"Yeah. There was this man at a party who kept harassing me. He tried to touch me and Alex kicked the shit out of him."

"Christ," I sighed. "Why the fuck don't I know this stuff? Why haven't you told me anything about him?" I asked, my voice raised.

He stayed quiet. The silence terrified me; what could he have been thinking?

"I didn't want to tell you. I didn't want to make you angry or upset-"

"So you lied?"

"No, I didn't lie. Lying and holding back information aren't the same thing."

 _What an asshole._ I thought.

"Either way, you don't trust me-"

"I do! I do trust you! I just didn't...I was afraid to tell you. Abuse and addiction aren't easy fucking things to talk about, Graham."

"I'm sorry," I whispered, resting my forehead in my hand.

"I'll talk to you about it when I see you again."

We both stayed quiet for a while. I wasn't sure what to say, and I don't think he was either.

"He doesn't know about you."

"Why?"

"I don't want him to. You're better than he is. He's in my past, you're not. He asked how I could afford the places you're in, and I came up with a lie about what I do for a living."

"Wow."

"I don't know how he found me. I don't know if he knows what appartment we were in. But if anyone ever comes looking for me, you don't know me. You just moved in. Okay?"

"Okay."

"And, so you know, he's tall and skinny with black, shaggy hair. He's got brown eyes and freckles. He works at an art store in Capital Hill. Watch out, please."

Alex was the guy at the art store.

Fuck.

"Don't let him fool you; he's really charming and really attractive. It's how he gets you," he says with a light laugh.

"Is he really _that_ handsome?"

"Yeah," he laughed.

"Do you think he'd hurt me if he knew about me?"

"I don't know, baby. He's unpredictable."

You know someone is hard to predict when Damon God damn Albarn says someone is.

"I never knew what would set him off. I kicked a hole in the wall and it didn't matter, but I breathe too hard and I've got a busted jaw. You know?"

"Uh, yeah," I sighed, not sure what else to say.

Silence again. It wasn't unpleasant or awkward--it was just nice to know my baby was on the other line.

"Graham."

"Yeah?"

"I miss you."

"Why didn't you tell me you were leaving?"

He took a deep breath, "you'd stop me."

"Well no shit! I thought we were a serious couple. We had plans together. A whole future ahead of us. I thought I'd be with you for years and years to come. I'm in love with you." I was trying my best not to cry; I'd done too much of that since March.

I do think I loved him then. For real. I wasn't sure if he loved me, since he left me.

"I love you too, Graham. I didn't do it to hurt you."

"You left me like it was no problem then didn't talk to me for three months."

"It was a problem! I've made myself sick missing you."

"You did a selfish thing."

"I wasn't thinking straight. "

"Clearly."

I thought back to what Lynn said again. The lying, manipulation, the secrecy. He probably was on drugs and I was just too lovestruck pick up on the patterns.

"Where did you get the money to go out there?" 

"I had some." 

"Where did you get it?"

"I have friends."

"Dammit," I sighed. I realized then that maybe she was right. I noticed that that's his excuse when I asked him anything regarding that side of his life. I felt sick. 

"I miss you." 

"I know, I miss you too. What have you been up to?" 

"Oh!" He giggled. I could picture him getting all excited. "So much. Ramona's granddaughter taught me how to whittle. Her boyfriend is a blacksmith," he laughed, "I didn't even know they existed anymore. But he made me a dagger." 

"Oh yeah?" 

"Yeah! And they have a cat named Lemon. I love her so much. Let's get cats, Graham." 

"Lemon?" 

"Yes! Lemon. She's so sweet." 

"Where did she get her name?" 

"The fruit, duh. Oh, and we got a puppy. His name is Pecan." 

"She likes food names, huh?"

"I named him!' 

"Oh, well I love it." 

"You'd love him. And Lemon. They're little angels." 

I heard a voice from behind him. 

"It's Graham,"he hums. "Ramona says hello."

I smiled to myself. He told them about me. 

"Tell her hi for me." 

"I will. What have you been up to?"

"Working." 

"That's all? No Grindr hook-ups? No ragin' parties?" 

"I'd never cheat on you, I'm not Alex." 

"Alex wouldn't have even waited until I was gone." 

"I really hate him." 

"Me too." 

"Listen, baby," I started, "come home. We'll move to a new place and get some cats. Change our numbers. He won't find us." 

"Graham," he sighed, "I can't. You've got a life, I want you to live it. I'm okay here." 

"It isn't worth it to live without you." 

"You've already been doing it. I don't want to hold you back." 

"Damon, I'm not letting you go."

"I don't want to talk about this right now." 

"Fine," I huffed. 

"I made you something." 

"What is it?" 

At that point, I was upset with him and didn't want to talk to him; but I had no idea if I'd ever hear from him again. 

"A necklace. Mona and I went to this cute shop that had crystals and I bought some. I decided I'd make you one from Amethyst. It helps with anxiety and stuff." 

That made me smile. Even if he was, for lack of a better term, crazy-- he was sweet as sugar at his core. 

"Oh, baby, thank you! I can't wait to see it." 

"I made myself one from rose quartz. We'll match." 

"God, what did I do to deserve you?" 

"I could say the same about you." 

I felt like crying again. I wanted to hold him. Kiss him. Make him feel safe. 

Anger rose in me again. He was safe with me, how could he leave and tell me he wasn't? How could he have not known that I'd do anything to keep him safe? 

"Come home,"I said again. "Show it to me when you get here." 

"Graham." 

"I'm sorry. I just...I miss you. I miss everything about you." 

"I know. I miss you too." 

"Nothing is right here. The air doesn't even feel the same." 

"I'm sorry." 

"You're lucky I love you. I'm really fuckin' pissed at you." 

"I know. I'll talk this over with Ramona. I don't want to talk about this."

"Okay. Call me tomorrow." 

"I will."

"Kay. I love you." 

"Don't go yet," he rushed.

"Alright," I sighed. 

"What are you doing right now?" 

-

Damon and I talked for two hours. We paused for a while so I could fill Chrys in and she left to give us privacy.

He refused to let me call him on video call, but he eventually caved. 

"I look like shit."

"Shut up. You couldn't if you tried." 

"Alright, whatever." 

I laughed as he hung up and called me again over video. 

My heart stopped when he came on screen. He was laying down in his bed, his hair all long and cute. He was skinnier than he was and dark circles had formed around his eyes. Frankly, he didn't look too hot.

"Baby," I smiled. 

"God, you're more stunning than I remember. Even all pixely." 

"Did you forget what I look like?" 

"Of course not. Can I show you my room?" 

"Absolutely." 

He laughed and got up off his bed, but let out a groan. 

"Fuck, I keep forgetting I have a broken rib." 

"What?!"

"Oh," he sighed. "We went hiking not too long ago and I tripped. Busted me up pretty bad."

"Shit, baby, I'm sorry."

"I know. I'm fine, though." 

"Still makes me sad.

He flipped the camera around, "I have the little clown you bought me here." 

Damon picked it up from the desk, showing it to me. 

"I'm glad. You'd be hopeless without him. Does he have a name yet?" 

"Thinkin' about Concrete. Concrete Bee."

"Concrete B. what?" 

"No. First name Concrete, middle name Bee. He doesn't have a last name." 

"Oh, that's cute."

Hearing him laugh always made my heart flutter. I hadn't heard it in so long. 

"Wait, look," he gasped, running through the hallway. He pointed the camera at a beach. "This is our view. It reminds me a lot of home. I go down there every day."

"Yeah," I smiled, "It's really pretty. Maybe I'll come up to see it. Not you though, I don't like you." 

"Mm, it's okay. It's mutual,"he laughed. "Wanna meet Lemon?!" 

"Yes."

He giggled again and walked me back inside the house. I heard him ask for Lemon, then pointed the camera at her. 

She was small and grey with a white tummy and legs. 

"Isn't she precious?!" 

"Oh my God, you may have to sneak her onto the plane back home." 

"Ramona would know it was me." 

He flipped the camera around again, smiling at me. 

"Graham, if we can get a cat, I'm coming there immediately." 

"Well, now that it's on the table, I'm not so sure I want you home yet. I haven't had any hot Grindr dates yet." 

"I can't believe you've been celibate for three months." 

"Well, I had hopes that a certain boy would show up at my doorstep. Have you been sleeping with someone?" 

"No. You're just more of a flirt than I am. Also, somehow, more of a slut." 

"I am a slut but I'm faithful." 

"Mm, that's what I love about you." 

"I'll be waiting for you, okay? I'll even do the whole rose-petals and candle thing." 

"Alright," he laughed.

He and I stayed on the phone until he fell asleep. He was three hours ahead of me. I stayed on for a while after that, listening to him and trying my best not to cry. I missed the way he breathed. 

How did I fall in love with him like this? I've never fallen this hard. I've never gotten to the point where I'd be willing to drop my entire life to go find someone. 

I wasn't sure what to do with myself.


	8. I'm Sure We'll Meet In The Spring

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw/ mentions of drug use

Come the first week of July, Damon and I had only spoken that once.

I still had this weight living in my chest that it was a fluke; we'd never speak again nor would I ever see his face. I still wanted him, even if I knew I wouldn't get him back.

Maybe between then and when we'd last spoken he'd met a boy who was just passing through at a diner. Maybe they'd hit it off and he'd fully moved on. He'd found a life for himself three-thousand two-hundred twenty-three miles from me.

Throughout my days, I'd think about Damon and the way he looked when he smiled. I loved his eyes and his hair and the way he smelled. I wondered if there was someone else who got to have those things. Who got to call him baby and buy him dumb little knickknacks.

I missed him so, so much.

One night I laid on my couch reading a science fiction novel. My feet rest up on the armrest, my head hanging off of the cushion. A soft wrap against the door pulled my attention away.

Closing my book, I went to the door and ran my hands through my hair. I take a deep breath and open the door, a man stood before me. He wore sunglasses, although it was after dark. He had brown hair and a black jean jacket. Despite his clothes being a little tattered, he was much cooler than me.

"Hi?" I asked after a moment of silence.

"You're Graham, right?"

I cleared my throat, "who's asking?"

"I am. I came to meet the man who got my best friend away from his terrible, terrible ex-boyfriend. I assume that's you?"

"I, uh, I'm sorry,"I stuttered. "I don't know what you're talking about."

"Oh, don't play stupid, Graham."

I only stared back at him, afraid, and not knowing what to say.

"Damon told you to pretend you don't know him, didn't he?"

I am a terrible liar.

"I don't know a Damon."

"Huh, honest mistake,"he laughed. "It's funny though-- _my_ friend Damon has that exact sweater. He even has this cute boyfriend named Graham with glasses just like yours. You truly look identical to this man. But, eh, c'est la vie."

"I know him,"I sighed. "Did you hear from him?"

"No, I was hoping you had."

Sighing again, heavily, I step aside to invite him in,"come inside and sit down." Smiling smugly at me, he waltzed into the apartment with Albarn-style confidence.

"I don't know your name," I said after locking the door.

"It's Jamie. Damon hasn't talked about me? What a twat."

"No, no he has. He has. I'd just never seen you before."

Jamie made himself at home on my couch. His boots already rested on my carpet, his socked feet up on my coffee table.

"You and Damon have a lot in common."

"What do you mean?"

"Nothing." I sit down on the chair across from him. "He's just always been one to make himself comfortable."

"Yeah," Jamie shrugged. "Where the hell did he go? He took three-thousand of my dollars!"

"Excuse me?"

"Yeah, fucker robbed me. I assumed it was for good reason, though. If I find out he spent it all on blow-"

"Blow?"

"Cocaine! Coke, nose candy, booger sugar-"

"I know what blow is, I just," I took a deep breath, "I'm having a hard time with that."

"It's a hell of a drug. I watched that shit change him and I saw it change Alex. Alex, of course, is an abusive, narcissistic bitch-lord, but he wasn't always so terrible."

"I didn't even realize he was on drugs, Jamie."

"Oh," he whispered. "Shit, I'm sorry you had to find out like this-"

"No, I figured it out a while ago."

"Still. It's scary to have those thoughts in your mind and not know where he is."

"He's safe. He called me a couple of weeks ago. He has a place that he really likes,"I told him, trying not to choke on my words. I missed Damon so much that it hurt. Previous worries about him moving on filled my mind again as we spoke.

"Good! Good. Where is he?"

"Maine. Some small town. He lives with some old lady and they have cats?"

"That sounds like the life Damon would want," Jamie said with a half smile. "He used to tell me he just wanted a small house with Alex somewhere, away from all of the drama they went through. Have some cats and a garden. When I learned he was with you I hoped that was the life you'd give him."

"Yeah." I couldn't say much without making myself cry. My stomach hurt and my jaw ached. "I...I want that for us. But I can't give that to him if he keeps leaving me."

Jamie only nodded in understanding.

"How are you not upset that he robbed you?"

"They make more three-thousands of dollars. I am mad, though. I just forgave him. I'm really surprised he hasn't stolen from you."

"I'm finding out things about him that I didn't ever imagine could be true. He could have stolen from me, but I don't know."

"He's strange. He's an open book about practically everything, except not to the people he loves. It took me years to crack him. Alex would tell me how upset he would get when Damon wouldn't talk to him. He'd do a line with some girl in the bathroom of a bar, tell her his life story, and pickpocket her wallet but won't tell you how long it's been since he's seen his mother."

"I know. I want him to trust me. I don't know if I trust him anymore."

"It isn't that he doesnt trust you, Graham. He just doesn't like admitting his faults."

I bit down on my thumbnail, avoiding his eyes. I hated everything I was learning about Damon and it wouldn't stop. In the moment, I wasn't sure if I knew who he was.

"Do you think he loves me?"

"Oh, yeah. When we talk it's about you. Even before he left Alex for good, and when Alex wasn't around, he talked about you. He showed me pictures of you and told me about all of the great things you did together. And it wasn't performative like it had been in the past. He just radiates love when he talks about you."

"That's reassuring."

Then, bluntly, "have you ever hurt him?"

"Never. I couldn't."

A smile spread across his cheeks. He was pretty.

"How did you get him away from that piece of shit?"

"I didn't. He left him on his own. I was just the place he went for refuge. But next thing I knew, I wanted to marry him, and he decided to disappear. "

"He does that."

"Why?"

"I couldn't tell you. All I know is that it isn't personal. You won't be the reason he leaves, ever."

"Does he ever come back? "

"He has before, hasn't he?"

"What if this time is different?

"He will come home." Jamie sat up and leaned toward me. "He is a lot to handle, and you clearly are capable of handling him. It's impressive."

"Handle?"

"He's just...eccentric?"

"That's a way I'd put it."

"I miss him. We went through a lot together. It's nice to see him with someone who loves him. Alex didn't love him, he loved the power he had over him. Alex is pathetic. Plus, he likes to break my friend's bones."

"I'd like to break his bones."

"Get in line," he laughed. "You guys are good together."

"Thank you. Um," I cleared my throat,"do you want a beer?"

"Sure, thanks."

I stood and made my way to the kitchen, ignoring Jamie's everlasting gaze. The tiles were cold against the bottoms of my feet. I could hear Jamie shuffling around the room; I was worried he too could be a thief.

"Jamie?"

"Graham?"

"What are you doing?" I asked while I pulled two bottles from the fridge.

"What are you doing?"

I stood in the entryway to the kitchen, frozen. Jamie stood in front of my record collection.

"Slint?"

"Damon bought it for me."

"Emo bastard."

"It helped me cope with all of this, if I'm honest."

"Shit, it was that bad?"

"Yeah," I said, pursing my lips and handing him his beer.

"I'm sorry."

"What can you do?"

Jamie shrugged and took a swig off his bottle. I watched him for a moment; he made me think of Damon somehow, or maybe it was just because Jamie knew him and I'd never met anyone who knew him.

"How are you doing? About all this."

"Aggressively okay."

He chuckled, "makes sense."

"I miss him a lot. To the point that it's pathetic. It's been months, Jamie. I should be over him. But I'm not. I've never been so hung up on someone before."

"He does that to people. Alex still asks me about him. I don't think Alex cares about people, not even really Damon. Maybe he did once, but not now. Yet he still asks about him, and he tells me he misses having him around."

I didn't even think about Jamie knowing Alex. Shit. What if he tells Alex about this meeting?

"You...you talk to Alex?"

"Not really much anymore. I used to do business with him, but after I saw the way he treated Damon I just couldn't do it anymore. I love Damon like my brother."

"You wouldn't tell him about me, would you?"

"Never. I love Damon too much for that. He's family and that makes you family. I'm not for putting targets on my loved ones' heads."

I only nod and pull my knee to my chest. This heaviness that's lived in my chest these past few months still sat stagnant, my breaths sharp. I appreciated Jamie's visit, but it was starting to hurt. I missed being alone.

To snap me away from my thoughts, a knock from the front door echoed across the hardwood floors and against the walls. Jamie and I made eye contact and we both went to stand.

"I'll get it just in case, okay? I wouldn't want it to be one of Alex's cronies and have them know you're here."

I nodded and went to the kitchen, where I could see them but they couldn't see me.

"Oh, it's you," Jamie said. "What are you doing at my boyfriend's house?"

Confused, I peaked around the corner.

"Well," the person scoffed, "I was planning on shagging him. He told me you wouldn't be here."

That was him.

"Damon," I gasped, sprinting to the door. He pulled away from his hug with Jamie to throw himself onto me. I held him tighter than I ever had before. "My baby."

"I missed you," he croaked. He buried his head in my chest and squeezed me tight.

"Never leave me again, fucker," I laughed, trying not to cry. "Please."

"I-I won't. I promise."

I didn't want to let him go, but Jamie was just standing there.

"Let me get my bags," Damon sniffled.

"I'll help,"Jamie said, following Damon outside to grab them. Once inside, I closed the door behind them and watched as they took them into my room.

"The house!"Damon yelled. "What happened?"

"Chrysanthemum decided we needed to change it up."

"I like it," he smiled. "It's nice."

"Thank you."

I didn't tell him that it took me hours to get it clean, as I hadn't done anything but water my plants for the last month. I got bored two days ago.

"I still don't know what you're doing here," Damon said, turning to Jamie. I wanted Jamie to leave so I could hold Damon and kiss him and give him all of me.

"I just wanted to meet Graham," he grinned. "It just so happens to also be the night you came home."

"Oh," Damon nodded. "Um, we'll have to meet up, okay? I missed you."

"Yeah. Text me, okay? I'm going to let you two have some privacy."

"It was good to see you," Damon said, pulling him into a hug. I wanted to cry the moment his body left my side.

"And it was nice to meet you," I said. Jamie pulled me into a hug.

"You too. I'll see you guys later."

Jamie waved us goodbye and left us alone. Damon threw himself onto me, holding me tight again. I couldn't control myself, letting the tears pour. It was the first time he saw me cry.

"Oh, baby," he sadly laughed, "I'm so sorry."

I didn't say anything and just let myself cry into him. His hand fit so perfectly on the small of my back, my head fit perfectly on his shoulder. Every place his hands touched felt like heaven, every worry washed away. I had my baby again.

"Don't leave me again," I cried.

I wondered how many times he'd cried like this to Ramona. How many nights he stayed up contemplating every thing he'd ever done. If he did at all.

"I wouldn't," he breathed, running his fingers through my hair. "I like your haircut."

"Thanks," I sniffled, a chuckle escaping my lips. "I got bored and cut it myself."

His lips pressed against my forehead.

"Let's go to bed. I'm exhausted," Damon sighed.

We laid there until the sun came up. I laid with my head in his lap and he twirled my hair around his fingers. He told me about everything he did while he was away, and how he broke his rib.

"We were hiking and I got excited,"he laughed. "It had just rained and the rocks were slick. I slid and landed on another rock and it broke ma ribs."

"You're a disaster," I giggled.

"I know."

I've said it once and I will say it again, but Damon could pull the tides with the way he would glow in the pale light from outside. It cast soft shadows onto his fair skin and lit up his blue eyes.

He was still skinny and his body was still frail. I couldn't get the thoughts out of my head about how little I knew about Damon. Everything started to make sense. The on and off use of coke was the reason for his fluctuating weight and the reason he'd disappear. The question was: why didn't he tell me? And why did it take me so long to notice.

"Damon?"I asked after a while of silence.

"Yeah, baby?"

"Why didn't you tell me you were on drugs?"

He sat up quickly and looked at me bewildered.

"Where did you hear that?"

I sat up too, looking him in the eye.

"It doesn't matter. I'm worried about you and I'm hurt that you didn't tell me and-"

"No, it matters, Graham! That's my information to give!"

"So it's true?"

He took a deep breath.

"Yeah," he whispered.

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"I don't want to talk about this."

"We need to."

"I just got home. Can we please just relax? I missed you."

"It's the reason you keep disappearing on me."

"What brought this up?"

"Look at you, Damon. I don't even recognize you." He looked at me with a plethora of emotion; tears in his eyes with anger rising in his chest. "You're weak and clearly malnourished. You're radiating anxiety."

"Graham, please! I know! I know that I lied and kept it a secret and I left you. I know that I relapsed and I know that I'm falling apart. I know that I did a shitty thing. You don't need to rub it in."

"I'm worried about you and I'm upset that you lied to me."

"You don't have to worry. I'm off and I'm going to be fine."

"What if you relapse again? You leave me again?"

"It won't happen."

"Why didn't you tell me, baby? I want to help you."

"I don't need help."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"Because you'd react like this. You'd tell me you want to help me but I don't need help. I can handle myself."

"Has getting better alone proven successful?"

"Graham, please stop."

"What else have you lied to me about?"

"Stop!"

"Why did you never let me meet any of your friends?"

"Because I hate them,"he spat. "I hate them and I hate everything they represent. When I see Jamie I see Alex and I'd rather die than let him anywhere near you."

A tear rolled down his cheek, but he kept his poise.

"I don't want to know those people anymore. Everything just keeps coming back and I don't want it to. I started to have nightmares that I was back there and my brain started to tell me that I needed to go back."

"Is that why you left?"

"God," he scoffed, "I tell you about the worst thing in my life and all you can think about is the next thing you're going to say."

"Damon, I'm sorry-"

"I know. I am too. I told you I didn't want to talk about this now and you didn't listen to me. I'm going to bed," he huffed, turning away from me.

"Damon."

"Leave me alone."

"Damon, please."

"Why? You aren't going to listen anyway."

"I love you."

"Goodnight."

"No."

"What do you want from me?" He asked, turning to face me.

"I'm sorry."

"I heard you the first time."

"I really am sorry. I want you to tell me about it all and I'll shut up."

"Not now,"he sighed while turning back over. "We're both tired. Let's just sleep, okay?"

"Yeah,"I mumbled, laying next to him. My arm snaked around his waist, his body flinching. "I love you."

"You too. Goodnight."

"Goodnight."

I kissed the nape of his neck and breathed him in. I missed him so much. I wanted nothing but him and now that I had him, neither of us were happy.

The fear that we'd never be the same again festered in my stomach and I didn't fall asleep. 


	9. You're In My Web Now

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ah yes... a smut chapter...

Having Damon home was strange. A good thing, but strange nonetheless. I had someone there to make my coffee, water the plants, or go grocery shopping with. I had someone to lay in bed naked with to just watch movies or play video games. He cooked for me and I took care of random household things.

He was there to hold me at night, naked under the sheets. Damon liked to be naked, he always had. More often than not did we sleep without our clothes, just huddled up against each other. His skin was soft and he was like a humanized heater.

After he got home, he'd become more and more clingy. We didn't leave our house much, but when we did his hands were always on me and he never left my side.

At home, we danced or snuggled up. I'd noticed I'd gotten more clingy too since I missed having him. Frankly, I was afraid of losing him again. But sometimes it got to be too much.

There was one night, just a few weeks after he'd gotten home, where Damon and I were watching telly late at night. We'd been in bed for a few days, naked, but everything was otherwise wholesome. But Damon was still Damon. 

"Graham," he whined halfway through the movie.

"Yes, my love?"

His hand crept up my thigh and rested on the inside, his head resting on my shoulder. 

"I'm bored."

"Really," I chuckled, mimicking his movements on his leg. "It's not like we've been doing the same thing for a week."

"I want you."

"Now?" I laughed, turning on my side.

"Yeah! I haven't been touched in like three months."

"I wanked you off two days ago."

"Graham," he whined again.

"I'm just teasing you, baby."

"Stop it," Damon mumbled against my neck. He started to leave open-mouthed kisses along my jaw.

"Patience is a virtue, my dear."

I moved my hand directly over him and gently touched him. A soft gasp left his lips. I liked it when he was this needy.

"Hm, what? Does that feel good?"

"Y-yeah."

He held onto my wrist as I wanked him, moaning into my hair.

"You know," he breathed, "I used to think about you before bed."

"Tell me more," I chuckled, pausing my movements.

"Well," his eyes met mine and his hands left my body. He grabbed my hand and rested it on his thigh, "I'd think about you touching me and pretending like it's nothing. We'd just be watching telly or something. You'd use that soft touch that drives me crazy. Just inching slowly up my thigh," he whispered, guiding my hand up his leg and closer to his crotch. "Or I'd imagine you between my legs, our hips pressed together. You'd kiss me and leave lovebites on my skin while I touched my thighs."

"A-and what else?" I asked, trying to hide how flustered I'd become. He'd rested our hands over himself and my breathing sped up.

"You know what would be next, silly," he laughed. "Slow and steady, the way I like. I'd hold onto you like I always do." His eyes closed and his hips rocked slightly.

"Do you want that all now, baby?"

"Please."

_Fuck._

I watched intently as he kissed my hand and took two fingers between his lips. That effortless beauty translated to his sheer sex appeal. I reached over to look in my bedside table for any chance that I had a bottle of lube.

"Hurry baby," he groaned.

"I am." I found the bottle and settled between his legs. I began leaving kisses on his hips and then his belly. He laughed at me lovingly, running his fingers through my hair.

"I missed seeing you down there."

"Shut up," I chuckled before going down on him and catching him by surprise.

"Shit," he gasped. "Good God."

I stared up at him, inching further and further down. I purposely traced small shapes with my fingertips over his inner thighs, right where they were most sensitive. Damon gripped my hair.

He moaned out, rocking his hips up to meet my motions.

I pulled away and grabbed that bottle of lube, glancing up at Damon. His eyes were closed and his lips were parted. A whimper of desperation left his lungs. Gorgeous.

"My love," I whispered, "are you ready?"

"Please," he whimpered. Nodding, I slicked up my fingers and pressed them against him, paying close attention to his expressions. His eyes shot open and met mine. "You okay?"

"Yeah, it's just been a second," he laughed.

"I know. Let me know if I'm hurting you, okay?"

"Yeah," he nodded and closed his eyes again.

I slipped them in all the way, Damon's face twisting in discomfort.

"Sorry-"

"No, keep going."

I smiled at him in complete adoration. He was so cute but somehow he radiated this hotness I could never get over.

"Come here," he whined. I rested next to him and allowed him to reposition. He sat with his legs apart, one knee bent up against his chest. He kissed my neck as I fingered him, but those kisses were broken up by sounds of pleasure.

"Baby," I whispered. He looked up at me. Smiling, I planted a firm kiss on his lips that made him smile right back at me.

"Stop being cute, I'm trying to be sexy."

"Sorry," I teased. He repositioned his hips again.

"I want you right now."

Nodding, I moved to sit between his legs again. A smug grin sat on Damon's face.

"Stop looking at me like that," I scoffed playfully, getting closer to him.

"Like what?"

I moved to hover over him, making sure we kept eye contact.

"You're a bastard, you know that?"

"Maybe so. But I'd like you to get on with it now."

I bit my tongue to hold back a returning smug grin. Instead, I pushed myself up against him causing him to gasp.

"Tease."

I grabbed onto his hips and pushed into him, again paying attention to his face and sounds. He grabbed at one of my hands and rested them over his belly.

"Are you ready, dear?"

"Yeah," he laughed. I stared down at him, all pretty and dazed. It was hard not to lose it and let all of my pent-up desperation come out.

Instead, I leaned down and left open-mouth kisses on his belly and thighs. Gently, I pressed in further until he let out a small gasp.

"Fuck," he moaned. I allowed him to get comfortable before continuing.

"God, I missed you," I laughed, Damon rolling his eyes playfully.

"Shut up," he laughed in return. I pushed farther into him, causing him to let out a low groan.

Gripping his hips, I thrusted upwards and moaned out. I missed this.

Damon moved his hips with mine and held my hand, resting them on his chest. The sounds he made were so relaxed, yet so desperate. His free hand found its way to his own cock, gently fumbling and playing with himself.

"Come here," he moaned, reaching out for me. I carefully moved so I was above him, cautious of the way his body moved. 

Our lips met, Damon gently biting my lip every time I pulled away. I let out a low moan, making Damon do the same. 

"I love you," he mumbled against my lips before moaning again. "God," he tilted his head back, another groan leaving his mouth. 

"Mh, you feelin' alright?" 

"Y-yeah, you feel so good." 

Resting my head on his shoulder, I thrusted up a bit harder, a high-pitched whine coming from him. I slipped two of my fingers into his mouth, moaning as I felt his lips meet my knuckles. 

I felt as if I was elsewhere. Everything hit me at once; that he was really there, that we weren't apart anymore. That I was there with my favorite boy, doing our favorite thing. The world around me was gone, and nothing mattered but him. 

I couldn't look away from him. The way his hair fell over his eyes--the way it bounced against his forehead every time I thrusted inside of him. The way he bit into his lip and tried to keep himself quiet, the dark lust in his eyes--the way his face contorted and his eyes rolled back in his head as I hit _that_ spot. It was magic. Better than the first time and any of the countless times that followed. 

I was snapped back to reality when I felt his nails dig into my back and heard a scream for my name. 

"Graham!" He moaned out. "Right there, baby." 

The sudden burst of energy only egged me on, my thrusts getting faster, but staying as gentle as I could. My free hand reached down to touch his--now presumably painfully hard-- cock. Damon moaned out again, and I could tell he was close. 

I sat back down between his hips, using one hand to jerk him off and the other to hold his leg around my body. My hand moved quickly, and I tried my best to keep my thrusts gentle. I closed my eyes, focusing on everything I was feeling, everything I was hearing.

"Gra," he whined again, pushing his hips up against mine.

"Careful," I cooed. "Don't hurt yourself."

"I'm gonna come," he moaned. He'd grabbed onto my wrist, squeezing tight as I pumped his cock. 

Not a second later, his whole body convulsed under me, a beautiful wave of pleasure washing over his face. 

"Fuck, baby," he groaned as he came into my hand and up his torso. I kept moving my hips, speeding up more and more until my orgasm washed over me. 

I collapsed in the bed next to him, his lips immediately crashing into mine. 

"I missed you." 

"Mhm," he sighed, his eyes closing.

"I really wiped you out, didn't I?" I teased. He nodded, still trying to catch his breath. "Get up, let's go take a shower."

I watched him with a grin as he stretched his arms out and sat up.

I held his body close in the shower, our hands interlocked over his belly.

"I love you," he told me. I ran my fingers through his wet hair, massaging the shampoo into his scalp.

"I love you too."

He turned to face me, looking me in the eyes. A sad look washed over him and he closed his eyes, looking up to the ceiling and stepping back into the water. I wish I knew what he was thinking, and I wish I wasn't too much of a coward to ask.

After our shower, we cuddled up in pajamas and went to bed. I actually slept that night. 

The next morning, I woke up to a happy Damon playing a game on his phone. He had this cute face he made when he was focused; furrowed brows, a slight pout.

"Good morning, pretty boy."

He glanced over at me, "mornin'."

"What are you playing?"

"This little war game Jamie sent me. He sucks at it."

"I thought you weren't friends anymore?"

"We aren't, but we can play games together."

I reached over and grabbed my phone. It was seven AM, why was Damon awake?

I had a text from my friend Caroline asking if I was free today. Damon probably wouldn't want to go out with them.

"Hey, baby?"

"Yeah?"

"Um, my friend Cara asked if we wanted to meet up today. Does that interest you?"

"Oh, sure."

Hm.

I stretched my arms out above me and yawned, "I'll let her know."

Damon turned off his phone and cuddled up next to me. He was so warm and his hold on me was safe. I always adored how he liked to be the big spoon.

"I don't want to leave this house," I sighed. Neither of us had left in a week and a half since we last had to go grocery shopping. Even then, we only went because the online grocery shopping app we'd been using wasn't working.

"I know. Maybe she can come here?"

"We need to leave eventually. It's bad for our mental health to be cooped up in the house."

"You sound like you've been talking to Chrysanthemum."

"I have been," I laughed. "But she's right. When um, before you got home, I made myself leave the house at least once a week and it did help."

"Yeah, Ramona made me leave my bed too."

Since he'd been home and I was still having issues sleeping, I'd wondered about his time away. What he'd done, who he'd met, how he'd spent his time. I was going to let him tell me when he was ready to.

"Let's go get cute."

"We're already cute," he hummed, looking up at me.

"I know, but I mean like a spa day. We'll go get our toes done, maybe haircuts. I need one."

"So do I," he yawned. "I want to get the sides shorter."

"Then let's do it."

-

"Hey sexy," Damon cooed, wrapping his arms around me and kissing my cheek. I ran my comb through my hair and smiled at him. "Why are you getting all pretty for a spa day?"

"Chrys told me that taking care of myself will make me feel better about myself."

"I love her," he smiled.

"She's amazing. She's been checking on me. I appreciate her a lot."

He hopped off the counter and grabbed my hand, pulling me out to the front room. I watched him in silence as he grabbed his jumper and slid it onto his body. Effortless beauty.

"Pretty boy," I hummed, kissing him again.

"No you," he huffed, kissing me back.

Being in the car with him was like old times. When he wasn't really mine yet, but we would pretend. He would play me the music he liked (even if I hated it, which I did half the time) (only when he played musicals) and I'd hold his hand or his leg.

He held my hand and squeezed to stop from giggling as we got our toes done. Even then, he couldn't really contain himself.

The haircut lady tried not to judge my hack job of a hairstyle. Damon laughed and tried to comfort me.

"I thought it looked cute."

"Oh, you're full of it."

It made him laugh harder, and his poor stylist couldn't cut his hair. It wasn't like my boy to sit still anyways.

We then went to the park in Seattle Center, just like we used to. We bought lunch from the food court and sat in the grass, watching people walk by.

"Do you think God watches us like this?" Damon asked, stealing one of my fries. He lied on his stomach and gazed up at me.

"What do you mean?"

"Like, do you think they just watch us like we watch each other?"

"You don't even believe in God."

"Well, figuratively."

"Sure. People are so interesting; I don't see why he wouldn't."

"Hm."

"Cutie," I smiled, poking his cheek. He furrowed his brows at me. "Do you still want to meet up with my friends later?"

"I mean," he turned onto his back, "I don't see why not. I just don't think we can go into bars or anything."

"Why?" I asked.

"Well, when I talked to Ramona about healing, she said that I should stay away from anything I could get addicted to. My body is getting used to not having one so it will want to find a new one."

"I'm proud of you." He beamed up at me. "I just wish I could have been there," I lamented.

"I know. I'm sorry."

"It's okay. I get to see you get better."

"Yeah," he smiled. "I'm sorry I lied to you about it."

"I forgive you. I mean, it's not easy to talk about. But we need to talk about it, you know?"

"Yeah." His breaths were shaky and I watched his gaze become distant. "You know I got into that shit at _seventeen_? Seventeen! I'd never done coke or anything until I was eighteen and living with Alex, but I was still into drugs at a devastatingly young age."

Damon sat up and turned to look me in the face.

"I thought I was so cool. I'm just sad now. Like, I've got a psychotic, abusive, stalker ex-boyfriend, a criminal record, and one friend that I don't even really like. All I've got is a cute boyfriend who I mooch off of. That's not cool at all."

"Criminal record?" I asked with a raised brow.

"Duh, possession charges for one. And theft. So many theft charges."

"Baby," I sighed, rubbing my temples.

"They're old, anyway. The last time I got arrested was long before I'd even met you."

"What was it for?"

"Theft," he yawned. "The cop was nice, as they can be anyway. They just charged me and made me spend a couple of nights in the county jail."

I didn't necessarily believe Jamie when he told me Damon was someone who stole.

"Out of curiosity, have you ever stolen from me?"

"Yes," he sighed, but there was no hesitation. "The day after we met. I took a Big Ben figurine from your guest room. I thought it was a silly thing to have. I never thought I'd see you again."

"That's all?" I asked. Shocked, frankly. 

"Yeah. Why, do you think I'd steal from you?"

"You stole from Jamie."

"Not really. He gave me two thousand, but I needed three so I took another thousand."

"That's still theft."

"Oh, whatever. I wasn't thinking straight. I was desperate for cocaine and a change of scenery."

"Oh, my dear, you do worry me."

"I'm getting better, remember?"

"Yeah," I smiled sadly. He held out his pinkie and I linked mine with his.

"I promise I'll get better. For real this time. I'm already five weeks sober! Five!" He looked so happy, so proud of himself. I wanted to cry.

"Good. Here's so a sixth, a seventh, and every other week for the rest of your life."

"Cheers," he giggled, kissing me happily. "Graham?"

"Yes?"

"You know you're stuck with me forever, right?"

"Yeah," I shrugged. "That's absolutely fine by me."

"So you'll marry me?"

"Sure."

"When?"

"Not too soon, we still have a lot to work through."

"How about next May?"

"Too soon. October?"

"Perfect," he smiled. "I still have counseling I need to do," he sighed, laying down next to me dramatically. "And college to apply for. And employment to get. Holy shit."

"You have a lot to do."

"Yeah, God damn. This being a person shit is tough."

"Yeah," I grabbed onto his hand. "I like it though."

He smiled at me with his teeth and a glimmer in his eye. I don't know how I could have ever doubted his love for me.

"I love you so fucking muuuuch!" He groaned, laughing, and throwing his head back.

"We're going to get married!"

"We're going to get married!" he cheered. "I expect a formal proposal though," he warned, bopping my nose.

"Oh, don't worry. I'll get you a pretty ring and we'll have a nice dinner."

"Good," he laughed. "Really though, I'd be happy with just this conversation we had today."

As our day went on-- people watching, duck feeding, grape eating-- I thought about what Jamie said about the life Damon's always wanted.

Maybe we could move to a smaller city and he could get a job. We could live in a cottage with cats and a cute garden. I smiled at the thought of having a place that was truly ours, rather than mine and his. A life we deserve.   
  



	10. We Could Count The Teardrops in Our Eyes

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: mentions of heavy drug use

September came around quickly. It had finally cooled down, and Damon and I had an excuse to stay inside.

Only, Jamie was texting Damon nearly every day wanting to get together. Damon didn't want to meet with him, but we somehow ended up at dinner with him.

I didn't understand what has happened to make Damon dislike Jamie. I also didn't know why learning they weren't really friends anymore was so shocking since Damon never talked to him or spoke about him; he didn't even ever let me meet him. Seeing him so friendly with Jamie the night he came home didn't help my confusion much either.

I quite liked Jamie. He was funny and quite eccentric. It reminded me of how Damon was when I'd first met him. Since then, though, Damon had become more reserved and introverted.

"I heard you're getting married?" Jamie asked over dinner. Damon ignored him, checking his phone. He'd been nervously checking it every few minutes.

"Yeah, it's not quite official. I'm going to get him a nice ring and we'll probably go on a trip. Right, Damon?"

"Hm?"He asked, looking at me.

"I was just telling him about our engagement. We're going to go on a trip."

"Oh, yeah. Yeah."

"Where are you going?"

"Where are we going?" I asked Damon, nudging him softly.

"Um, Switzerland, probably. Or France."

"We might go to Italy."

"Oh that sounds fun," Jamie cheered. Damon didn't even acknowledge him. "Damon?"

"Yeah?" He asked, clearing his throat.

"I remember before you left we talked about school. Are you going yet?"

I felt bad for Jamie. All he wanted was to spend time with his friend, even if Damon didn't consider him one.

"No, I'm going for the spring semester."

The waitress came up to our table and Jamie made flirty conversation with her. Damon ordered for me, which I'd always loved.

"Damon."

"What?" He asked, turning to face me.

"Who are you texting?"

He sighed and tilted the phone so I could see. Jessica? Oh. His sister. I didn't think they talked.

"My mum is sick," he whispered. "She's had emphysema for a few years and no one bothered to tell me. Her lung collapsed."

"Shit, baby, I'm sorry."

"It's fine."

Jamie looked at us once the waitress had left, a confused look on his face.

"She was pretty," Damon smiled. I agreed, but I thought everyone was pretty.

"I should get her number," Jamie chuckled.

"Aren't you seeing that guy that lives over by Carly?"Damon asked, stirring his soda with his straw.

"I was but he got too clingy."

"You say that about everyone."

"You're clingy too, and here we are."

"I am not clingy!"

I laughed at him but covered my mouth.

"What? I'm not!"My gaze went down to his hand, which had been on my leg all evening. "Okay, maybe physically but-"

"Yeah, yeah," Jamie laughed. "You've always been clingy."

"Only to the people I like. You two should be honored!" He playfully scoffed.

I held Damon's hand and stared over at him. He and Jamie finally made friendly conversation, but I could only focus on Damon. He just couldn't ever get a break.

I wanted to take Damon home to see his mum. There's no way I could get him to go, but it was worth a shot. If I couldn't have a good relationship with my parents, I wanted to have one with my partner's.

His phone went off and he checked it swiftly, Jamie looking at me immediately.

"What's going on?" He mouthed. I waved him off to tell him I'd explain later.

Damon slid his phone under his leg and kept it there for the rest of dinner. Jamie was kind and he seemed to really love Damon. There were a few times that he said something that clearly bothered Damon, though. Comments about his addiction and how rocky his first months in America were. I didn't think he meant to hurt Damon since every comment was a joke, but Jamie didn't seem to understand just how touchy the subjects were.

"That's exactly why I don't talk to him anymore," Damon groaned after Jamie got out of the car once we'd dropped him off.

"What?"

"He treats me like a kid! He always has. Everyone always did."

"How do you mean?" I asked, sighing under my breath.

"I was the youngest and the most vulnerable in the house. I was the scapegoat any time the girls got in trouble with Alex and I was the one whose body he'd sell when we needed it. I was always got taken advantage of. Everyone held me down, especially Alex." He turned to face me with his leg pulled to his chest. "That's why I didn't get my citizenship right away, why I don't have my license. If I couldn't work or drive Alex had power over me. Jamie was the only one who was ever nice to me. But even then, he wasn't the best. Just because he was the least bad doesn't mean he was good."

I stayed quiet; I wasn't sure what to say to him. I still didn't quite understand who these girls were or who else lived with them--or really anything that happened in that house. 

"They ruined my life, Graham. They took advantage of my age and Alex ruined my relationship with my family. All my mum remembers me as is her buzzcut-wearing, gay, thieving, junkie son who ran away with an older man and was on so many drugs that she couldn't even recognize me. And now, she-she's probably going to die."

"Maybe you should go see her, baby."

"Did you hear a word I said?"

"I did. You should go see her. Go show her how far you've come."

He sighed and chewed on the inside of his cheek like he did when he was nervous or thinking.

"I can't go alone."

"I'll go with you.

"That would put you in close proximity with your parents."

"But it would also bring me close to yours. If we're really serious, I need to meet them eventually."

"You're right," he sighed. "You're perfect, they'll love you. "

"I'm not perfect."

"You're perfect enough to please them."

"Whatever."

"Oh, please. You're handsome and you've got a shit ton of money. That's all you need to please your parents."

"What do I need to please you?" I joked, squeezing his thigh. 

"Your hands, mainly."

I laughed at him, "it'll be nice to travel with you, sweetheart. We'll have fun."

"Yeah. I'll need to call my dad. He'll be excited."

Hearing Damon talk to his dad was cute. He laid on my chest and told him everything about us and how he'd gotten sober. He told him we were getting married. His dad was happy to talk-- I'd told Damon he had nothing to worry about and their conversation only reinforced that.

"Thank you," he told me, kissing my ear and nuzzling his face into my neck.

Neither of us slept, and that was okay. I held him close to me, swaying in the livingroom. We danced to an indie record, my hands rested on the small of his back. Only the yellow light from the hallway lit the room. Rain poured outside the windows.

"I love you," he whispered.

"I love you too," I replied, kissing his head. "Listen, I don't want to ruin this, but we need to talk."

He didn't look at me, "you know where I haven't been in a while? Molly Moon's."

"Damon."

"Jamie took me there for my nineteenth birthday."

"Damon!"

He stopped and pulled away from me, anger written over his expression.

"I don't want to talk about this!"

"We need to!"

"It's my information to give. I decide when I give it."

"Please. I just-"

"No," he huffed, sitting down on the ottoman.

"Do you want a future together?"

"Of course I do! What kind of question is that?"

"Then we need to talk. I know next to nothing about you and I've been really patient about it. I've never pressed about information on Alex or your addiction."

He didn't say anything for a moment. He looked sad and it hurt me, but I wasn't going to give up. 

"I met him when I was sixteen."

"What?"

His eyes met mine for a moment. I took a seat next to him.

"Alex. We met online."

"Oh."

"I didn't try anything hard until I was eighteen and living with Alex, but I got into drugs before I moved here. I'd smoked weed, but I didn't like it much. I liked party drugs and pills. I took anything I could."

He looked so small. Since he'd gotten home he'd gained weight, but he was still just small. His body was getting stronger but he still looked so lost, so innocent. His stature shrunk while he spoke.

"I tried coke when I moved in with Alex. The night I got here. I knew he did it and I knew he sold it. I promised I'd wait until I got there to try it."

"Did he pressure you?"

"No, not at all," he said, nervously rocking in his seat. "He showed me different ways to do it, but I liked the old fashioned way. Anyway, we did it a lot and I got way into it. It was just something that was always there. If I was tired, I did a bump. If I was bored, I did a line. Sad...you get the point," he sighed then cleared his throat. "Um," his rocking continued and he chewed his fingernails. "When I was, um, nineteen-- not long after my birthday, I overdosed."

"Oh shit," I gasped, going to comfort him. He stopped me. 

"It was awful, Gra," he choked, looking me in the face. "It scared me. I just kept thinking about what would have happened if I had died. I so easily could have. Um," he scratched his arm, "Alex kept using but he never pressured me to. That is something I've always appreciated about him. Even when things were bad, he never pressured me to use anything I didn't want to. He'd suggest or offer, but there was never any pressure." He cleared his throat, " I stayed off it for a while, but I obviously went back to it like it was an old friend. It was on this night Jamie took me out, but I don't blame him for it. It was all me. I just hate myself for relapsing that night. If I hadn't, maybe I could have gotten away from Alex sooner."

"As awful as it may be, at least you're here now. We're together and I think that's good."

"That is good! And I am so grateful. Seeing you live your life free of this awful pain I was hardly surviving motivated me to leave, Graham. It's just...It's this nasty habit that I just can't get rid of." 

"Why didn't you tell me?"

I was worried he'd get angry at me. I remembered that night he got home when we fought.

"I was afraid. It's this ugly part of me that I don't want to be a part of my life. Being with you is the life I want and I want no part of my past life to affect it. I thought that if I didn't tell you, I'd never have to talk about it, and it didn't exist."

"You can't just bottle that all up, baby."

"I know. I should have told you. But I'm still so ashamed. I'm ashamed of the things I did. I stole a lot of money."

"Jamie told me."

"Not just from him. From Alex, too. I even stole from my sister and my dad. I thought about stealing from Ramona, but I couldn't."

"What did you do with the money?"

"I bought cocaine."

Damon chewed on his bottom lip, his gaze avoiding mine.

"I feel like a terrible person."

"Addiction doesn't mean you're a bad person."

"I treat you like shit."

I went quiet. He wasn't the best to me that he could have been.

"I don't want to. I love you. I love you more than anything else. I love you more than I ever loved Alex, or the drugs, or the money. I want to be the best partner I can be, but I have this itch in my brain that just tells me I need to go back."

"I love you too."

I leaned forward and grabbed his hand.

"I'm sorry."

"Damon, you know you deserve a life of happiness? You deserve love."

We looked at each other in the face for the first time in weeks.

"Thank you. I'm sorry for leaving and leaving you in the dark. You didn't deserve that."

"I forgive you."

"Really?"

"Yes. It isn't your fault you have an addiction, Damon. I know you're strong enough to get better."

"I appreciate that more than you know."

I smiled and kissed him softly on the head.

"God," he chuckled. "I thought I was so cool. Having a rich older boyfriend. In reality, he was a huge piece of shit and I was just vulnerable and young."

"I'm just glad you're away from him."

"Me too! And I'm starting to get my life together. Being with you is the life I want and I think it's the life I deserve. I want to do things like go to school, get a job. Marry you! But I got so afraid. This voice in the back of my mind kept telling me to go back, so I ran as far away as I could."

"That's why you left," I sighed in heavy realization. He nodded.

"I'm so sorry," he cried. He tried wiping his eyes but the tears kept coming. "I hurt you. I never wanted to. A-and now I'm home, and I still don't treat you well."

I nervously bit the end of my tongue, unsure what to say. He really hadn't been so great to me. It hurt me, but I knew he meant well. I knew he was being honest with me then, and that he'd been trying to get better. Baby steps are still steps.

Instead, I just opened my arms for him and let him cry into my chest. My heart was heavy in my chest and I had this terrible pit in my stomach. I loved him more than anything, but I was still upset about this whole thing. But I couldn't tell him. I couldn't let any of it out. 

I used to get really angry when I was younger. I'd break things and fight with my parents. I couldn't keep friends because of my temper. Once I'd learned to keep it inside of me, I could only keep it inside of me. Every negative emotion gets its own new home somewhere in my soul and it will never move out.

"I'm sorry I'm such a mess," he sniffled.

"It's okay."

He sniffled again and smiled up at me. It reminded me of the second night he spent here; when he cried to me about Alex and we ended up watching a movie and having sex. He looked the same now as he did then. Lost, vulnerable. Tears illuminated those beautiful eyes, blue like the summer sky, yet, selfishly, I could only focus on his glamour. He laughed sadly. 

"You're stuck with me."

"Good," I smiled.

He laughed and I kissed him on the forehead.

"You know, while I was away, I would have honest to God dreams about doing nothing but kissing you. I missed it so much. I missed your pretty eyes and your perfect lips. Your soft hands." 

"Kiss me then, dummy."

He did so, hard, and cupped my face with his hands. I drew circles on his belly with my index finger, using my other hand to hold his hip.

"I love you," I said between kisses. He only laughed at me. "I mean it, and I'm proud of you."

"Oh, whatever," he laughed. He laid his head on my shoulder and stroked my cheek with his thumb. "You're so handsome."

"Not as pretty as you."

"We're both cute, yeah, but let me compliment you," he teased. "I love your eyes, you know that? They're so pretty. And I love the way your glasses fit your face and I love your nose. Don't get me started on those lips!"

"Stop it, "I laughed.

"Oh, my God. That laugh! I love you," he groaned. I couldn't stop laughing and my ears were hot. I wasn't used to him complimenting me like that. "Graham, it's really unfair to be that cute."

"You could say the same about yourself."

"Shhh, this is about you right now," he laughed. "And how cute you are."

"But-"

"No, no, no. I'm going to do it."

He pushed himself on top of me and kissed my head, "I love you." Then my cheeks and my nose, "I love you." My chin then my lips, "I love you."

I laughed and caught him, immediately kissing him.

"You're all blushy," he smiled. "I made you blush."

"Shh," I giggled, covering my face. He grabbed my hands and pinned them over my head.

"Let me see you."

I stared up at him, a smile on my lips. That feeling that I was elsewhere came back and I was lost in him again. I was hopelessly astray from reality as he laughed from his belly and kissed my face.

"Damon," I beamed.

"What?"

"I love you more."

"Oh, bullshit," he laughed.

"No, I'm serious."

"Hm," he huffed, resting down on my chest. "We can battle?"

"I don't think a battle is necessary."

"No, Coxon, I think it is."

"You'll be a Coxon too."

"Maybe you'll be an Albarn."

"Graham Albarn."

"Hm, no. I'll take yours. Damon Coxon?"

"What if we hyphenated?"

"Damon Albarn-Coxon."

"I think Coxon-Albarn."

"Me too," he yawned. "I'm gonna be your husband."

All the laughing must've worn him out. I smiled and rubbed his back.

"I'm excited to meet your dad."

"He will love you," he smiled. "I'm excited to see Jessica. I've felt the worst for leaving her."

"I'm sure it'll be great, baby. I think I want to talk to your dad about marrying you, the old fashioned way. Even if he already knows. You technically already proposed to me, but I want to give you a real one."

"Okay," he smiled. "My dad will love that. He's old fashioned. Not in the homophobic way. He was really supportive."

"Good," I chuckled.

"Man, coming out is weird."

"Yeah."

"My mum was supportive too, just less so. I think she still loves me."

Coming out was terrible for me. My dad told me he still loved me, but my mum got really upset. She later told me she was sorry for reacting the way she did, but she never treated me the same. My dad tried his best but deep down, I knew nothing would really be okay again.

I couldn't hang out with my friends anymore because their parents thought I'd make them gay. My cousins stopped talking to me. Mum eventually told me she was embarrassed to have a gay son and it was affecting her image too much. So I left and I didn't come back. If she was so worried about how having a gay son made her look, she wouldn't have one anymore.

I listened to Damon talk about coming out while my brain kept flooding itself with guilt and painful memories.

"Gra? Baby?"

"Yes?"

"Are you okay?"

"Perfect, my love."

He nodded and kept on talking.

That next morning, I woke up to him watching cartoons and typing furiously on his laptop.

"Goodmorning," I yawned. "What are you doing?"

"Finishing some college stuff."

He wanted to be a teacher. I, for one, thought that was adorable. Damon, as introverted as he can be, and as much as he hated to know people, he loved them. He had a big heart. He loved kids too, and had told me he "didn't want to be a dad, just a cool uncle."

He was a kind person. I think that's why he talks to strangers like old friends and leaves big tips, even if he's broke. Countless times he gave his food to the man living in a tent in the alley next to our building. He may have been off his rocker, but he sure was compassionate.

I loved him so much.


	11. The Stars Gravitate Toward You

We ended up going home for Christmas. The flight was long but at least I got to sleep some, snuggled to Damon's side. 

He was so beautiful. He was finally starting to look like a person again, and I was so proud of him. He was beautiful no matter what state he was in, but happiness looked phenomenal on him. 

We watched movies together and I helped him with admissions essays in a whisper. He hated writing essays but was just unreasonably great at writing them. 

"You're going to blow all those professors away," I grin, kissing his hand. He just laughed me off. 

I held his hand as we approached the door. He held it tight and his body radiated nervousness. Before we even got up the stairs the door flung open, revealing a girl just a few years younger than us. 

"Damon!" She cheered, throwing her arms around him, him stumbling back and hugging her back.

"Hi," he smiled. "You look so beautiful. You're all grown up. "

"I could say the same about you! You look so different! If I hadn't known you were coming, I'd say I couldn't recognize you. You're glowing." 

"Good," he chuckled. 

"And you!" She turned to me, "you must be Graham!" 

"That's me," I nodded awkwardly. Damon beamed over at me. She hugged me tight. 

"Damn, Damon, he's cute." 

"I know! I've been trying to tell him." 

Despite the frigid English winter, my face heated up in embarrassment. 

"Oh, I'm sorry, I'm Jessica,"she smiled, holding her hand out. 

"Graham." 

She already knew that. Duh. 

She motioned us inside and called for their dad who was cooking in the kitchen. I heard him drop what he was doing and watched as he excitedly appeared in the doorway. 

"Oh, my son," he gasped, reaching out for Damon. They hugged, his dad holding him tight. In a way I wished I could be held by my own father. "Look at you, you're practically glowing." 

"Thank you," he stuttered. "This, um, this is Graham,"he grinned, grabbing my hand. 

"It's lovely to meet you, sir," I greeted, holding my hand out. Instead he pulled me into a hug. 

"You too. It's nice to see Damon happy." 

"I missed you guys," Damon tells them. "Where's Mum?" 

Damon's mum wasn't excited to learn of her son's visit. He kept telling me how nervous he was. He'd changed one hundred and eighty degrees since the last time they saw each other, but there was this sickly looming doubt.

"She's upstairs,"Jessica said. "She's not doing well."

Her lung had collapsed again two weeks before our visit. We weren't meant to get there until three days later, but Damon decided we needed to go sooner. 

"She-she's still upset that I'm here, isn't she?" 

"I don't know," his dad sighed. "She's still really upset that you left." 

"I know," he somberly said. "I feel terrible. I-" 

His dad motioned for him to stop,"we will talk later. For now, I want to just have dinner and get to know my future son in law." 

I smiled at him. Damon nodded and turned to me. 

"Damon, would you mind helping your sister finish dinner?" 

He and Jessica went to the kitchen to cook, and his dad turned to me. 

"Graham?" 

"Yes, sir?" 

"You can call me Keith, for one. But I want you to know how incredibly happy Hazel and I are to know Damon is with you. When I learned where Damon had gone and with whom, Lord I- nevermind, I'm sorry." 

"Oh, um, thank you. I'm glad he's with me too," I chuckled. "Thank you for letting me come up." 

"You are just as much my son as Damon is. I just want you to know that. Even if it takes Hazel a second to come around, she'll feel the same too."

"Thank you," I nodded. 

"Baby!" Damon yelled from the kitchen. Keith looked at me and laughed. 

"Duty calls." 

Nervously, I chuckled then went to Damon, who had a smug grin planted on his lips. 

"Yes, dear?" 

"You sound like Mum and Dad," Jessica laughed. 

"Hey, shut up," he scoffed, playfully pushing her away. "Try this," he hummed, pushing a spoon-ful of potatoes and vegetables toward my lips. I took the spoon from him. 

"That's amazing," I grinned, looking to Jessica. "What is it?" 

"Soup. It's a secret recipe though, I can't tell you what's in it." 

Jessica turned away and Damon stole a kiss. I grabbed his arm before he walked away. 

"Oh, what?"He laughed. 

"You're a bastard." 

He kissed my lips then my forehead. 

"Gross," Jessica commented, putting the lid back onto the pot. 

"Oh, like you don't kiss your boyfriend?" 

"He doesn't even like me!" She joked. 

"What's his name again? You told me." 

"Travis."

"He's a wanker," Keith said upon entering the room. 

"Dad," she sighed. 

"Graham? How old are you?" He sat next to me. 

"I am twenty-four sir." 

"Is that how old you are Damon?" 

"Yeah," he scoffed. 

"Good. I already like you more than any one else Damon's dated." 

Damon gave a sad smile and looked away from everyone. 

"Especially not that fuckin' tosser from before," Jessica noted. 

"No shit," Damon chuckled, sitting up on the counter. 

"Get down from there. What are you, an animal?" 

Damon made a face and got off the counter. I nodded at Jessica as she walked past me and up the stairs. 

Damon, Keith, and I talked amongst ourselves as we waited for Jessica to return. 

"Mum wants to eat in her room," she sighed as she came back into the room. Damon said nothing and pulled bowls from the cupboard. 

Through dinner, Damon kept his mouth shut. I tried to hold his leg to show him support, but he pulled away. 

"You guys sound so American," Jessica mentioned with a laugh. "You've been gone too long." 

"Alex used to make fun of my accent," Damon finally said. "I think subconsciously it made me sad. Internalized it, maybe." 

His voice was soft and sad and Jessica and Keith stayed quiet, but their emotions were clear. 

"Sorry." 

"I think you're a good kid," Keith said. "When you told me about him, I was ready to fly out there and wring the man's neck," he grumbled. 

"Dad, it's okay," he sighed. "I'm better now. I'm getting married." 

"Lucky," Jessica huffed. 

"I'm telling you, Jess, he's a wanker. You've been together three times what Damon and Graham have and he hasn't even come to talk to me." 

"Sounds like a knob," Damon joked. "What's his name again?" 

"Travis,"she replied, clearly annoyed. She had said it three times. 

"He better get you a nice rock to make up for all this time." 

I stayed quiet as they made friendly banter, appreciating how happy Damon finally was. 

-

Damon took me upstairs after dinner. We laid in his old bed and talked forever. 

"I can't believe they didn't get rid of my stuff." 

He held his arm up above us, peering at the stars on his ceiling through his fingers. It never occurred to me why Damon insisted on having them in our room back home. 

I laid one arm over his chest and gazed up at him. I wondered what he was like when this room was his. The walls were covered in posters and album covers. There were awards on the desk, and a notebook that had probably been there since the day he left. 

"What are the trophies for?" 

"Theater." 

"You're an actor?" 

"Oh, hardly. Pretty shit. They're more memorabilia than actual awards. Mum wanted me to keep them all." He held our hands on his chest and kept one arm around my shoulders. "Thank you for coming here with me."

"I'm happy I came with."

He kissed my head, then my nose, then my lips. I smiled against his lips, his hand creeping up my shirt. 

"I, um, I have something for you," he told me, laying his head on mine. 

"Yeah?" I yawned. 

"Yeah," he sat up and went to the wardrobe. Tossing things about, shuffling through drawers. 

"What the hell are you looking for?" 

"A surprise." 

"Well, what is it?" 

"A surprise, Dammit," he laughed. 

"What does it look like?" 

"Pushing it,"he warned jokingly. "Wait!" 

He squatted down and pulled the vent open, pulling out a small plastic box. 

"Here we go," he cheered while coming to sit next to me. Gently, he thrust the box toward me. "My mum made us these beaded necklaces when we were kids," he brushed his fingers over his. "Because we were the most special people in her life. She told us that she wanted us to find someone special and give them their own." 

He handed me the box, but didn't let go. His eyes never left mine. 

"Graham, you are the most special person in my life."

Time slowed for a moment. I felt closer to him than I had before. So much love between the two of us. His thumb gently ran across my knuckles. 

I took a deep breath and smiled, trying my best not to cry. I've never cried in front of him.

"I left this here for a reason. When I left, I didn't even think to bring it with me, even though I thought I was meeting the love of my life. But last summer when I came home, all I could think about was finding a way to get this to you. I realized while I was away that I can't live without you." 

I grabbed him and kissed him hard. Our kisses and breaths were short, his hand on my face. 

"I love you," I muttered,"I love you." 

"Baby," he giggled, kissing me again. "Put it on." 

The box was small and he taped the fuck out of it. 

"If I can get it open."

He laughed and went to his desk, bringing back a knife. 

He cut the tape and handed me the box before flipping the knife closed. He sniffled and wiped his eye. 

"You're so gay," I sniffled. 

"Shut up," he laughed. I opened the box up. 

The necklace was similar to his and surrounded by little Damon-knicknacks. A white lighter, a razor blade, a crystal, and some guitar picks. 

"I love it," I said, pulling it over my head. 

"Here!" He giggled, grabbing a mirror from his bedside table. I held it up and smiled. "We match now." 

I pulled him in close. 

"I love you," I mumbled, kissing him. 

"I love you too." 

Both of us were laughing and wiping our eyes. 

"We're so gay," he laughed.

"Yeah," I sighed, pulling him into my lap. "I can't believe you're mine." 

"All yours. Forever, I hope." 

"Hm, me too. What's all the stuff in that box?" 

"Oh," he sat back and picked it up. "Things from my formative years. My dad got me this blue Apatite when he went to Nepal. I got these picks from different shows," he said, sifting through them. "I have no idea what an ex cocaine addict would do with a razorblade." 

I shook my head and picked up the lighter. 

"That," he laughed, "I thought I'd make it. Playing my guitar for horny girls and join the twenty-seven club." 

"You've got time."

"Yeah," he chuckled. "But I don't really want to die that badly."

"Good," I hummed, pulling him in for a kiss. "I thought you didn't do coke until you got to Alex?" 

"I didn't, but you can snort other stuff."

"Oh." I really didn't know anything about that stuff.

He kissed me again, crawling on top of me. 

The door opened, followed by a gasp from Jessica. 

"Jesus!" 

"Oh calm down," Damon laughed, laying down next to me. "It's not like we were going to shag in my childhood bed, Jessica!" 

"Whatever," she shook her head, "Mum wants to see you." 

Damon stopped and looked back at me. His expression had gone from happy to confused and somewhat somber. 

"Go," I said. He nodded and stood up, patting his clothes off. Jessica and I made eye contact and she reached up to touch her collarbone. 

"That's so cute Damon!" She cheered. "Graham got your necklace." 

"Oh, yeah, " he smiled, scratching the back of his neck. "I wanted to give it to Alex for a long time. Thank Christ I left it here." 

"Yeah," she laughed. He cleared his throat and waved goodbye to me and went down the hall. 

Jessica turned to me again, "and my dad wants to talk to you." 

"Good thing I need to talk to him," I said as I stood from the bed. 

-

"So, Graham, do you drink?"

"Not very often." 

"Would you take a shot with your boyfriend's dad?" 

"Yeah," I smiled. He poured two and handed me one. 

"How did you meet my son?" 

"A club," I laughed. "His ex had thrown him out and I was waiting for a date. You probably noticed this, but he makes sure his presence is known."

We both laughed and took our shots. He poured two more. 

"He gets that from his mum, too. They're a lot alike." 

"It's something I've always admired. He's confident and doesn't really let anyone walk all over him. Anymore."

"When I found out about that Alex guy, I knew it would end badly. He threw him out, you say?" 

"Yeah. It wasn't the first time. I thought Damon was crazy. I heard about Alex and I wanted to kill him, like you did. But I've had to realize that Damon is a strong guy and he doesn't need someone to fight for him." 

"He is crazy, "he laughed. "But he's a good kid. A good kid that made horrible decisions." 

"He's better, you know." 

"I gathered that much, but he still worries me."

"Me too. He's really smart though. He's passionate. You know he's starting school again next semester?" 

"He didn't already graduate?"

"I don't feel like it's my place to tell you what happened between him and Alex." 

"Did he hurt him?" Keith whispered with a voice full of fear. I didn't know the right way to tell my boyfriend's dad that his ex used him as a punching bag. 

I went to speak, but he understood. 

"You take good care of my boy?" 

"I do the best that I can. I'd rather die than see him hurt ever again." 

"You seem like a good guy."

"I hope so. I really love him, Mr. Albarn." 

"You're serious about marrying him?" 

"I am. He didn't give me a choice," I laughed. 

"Why's that?" 

"He didn't really ask me. He just said "let's get married" and then said "get me a nice ring." That was it." 

"That sounds like him."

"Um," I cleared my throat, "Sir, may I marry your son?" 

"Oh," he grinned, "of course you can." 

We heard the door open upstairs.

"Gra, honey?" Damon called. 

"Yes?" 

"Come here, please. I need you." 

I smile at Keith and go to Damon. 

"She wants to meet you," he whispered. 

His hands rested on my shoulders, smoothing my shirt down. 

"How did it go?" 

"Good," he sighed. He didn't look at my face. "I told her everything. I told her about Alex. Everything. The drugs, the abuse, the fighting. I told her how you basically swept me up off my feet like a princess and saved my life. I told her that I love you more than I have loved anything in any life I could have lived before. And I told her that I want to marry you." 

His eyes finally met mine. I leaned in and kissed his head. 

"I love you." 

He smiled up at me, shaking his head. He leaned up to kiss me and pulled me into Hazel's room. 

"Mum?" 

She looked up at us and gave us a smile. 

"This is Graham," Damon smiled. 

"Hi dear, it's nice to meet you. Please, have a seat." 

-  
Damon looked like his mum. They had the same smile and the same laugh. They somehow spoke the same too. 

She was still rather standoffish yet friendly. Somehow. Damon told me she'd been a school teacher, as he wanted to be, and I could absolutely tell. She still had that charm all my teachers put on when they didn't like you but still tried to hide it. 

Damon was happy, though. As happy as you can be when your mom is slowly dying. He held her hand while we all talked. The feeling of love in the room was heavy. It was the happiest I'd seen him in so long, and it looked beautiful on him. 


	12. Imagine You're Dressed In Gold

The night before Christmas Eve, I took Jessica shopping. 

"Why do you want to marry my brother?"

What was it with these Albarn children and their blunt-question asking?

"Why do you want to marry your boyfriend?" 

"I just think you're too good for him," she shrugged, then her shoulders slouched. "Oh, that sounded meaner than I meant it." 

"He isn't the same way he was before, you know."

"I don't know. He worries me, and he always has. I just...I'm worried about him tearing you down. Not that he's evil or anything, I've just seen the way he can be, even if he doesn't mean it." 

"Jessica, he's a good man. He's just working through things." 

"I know. I just miss him and the way he was before he got into all of those drugs and sex and everything." 

I didn't want to talk about that anymore. I'd heard so much of it that I was just tired. No one saw Damon the way I did. 

"I understand," I sigh. "But he is a different person that you'll have to get to know." 

"Yeah." 

"Tell me about your boyfriend."

She smiled. 

"We've been together for a few years. Mum says I'm too young to marry him, but I don't think so." 

"I don't think I can give you advice on it," I laughed, "Damon just said 'let's get married!' and I said 'okay!'" 

"He is crazy." 

"He keeps me on my toes." 

"What kind of ring do you want to get him?" She asked as we walked into the shopping center. 

"How did you know that's what we're doing?" 

"It's obvious, Graham." 

"Really?" 

"Yeah," she laughs. 

"He wouldn't like something too flashy."

"You could get those rings with little rainbow stones." 

"Maybe. He doesn't like the pride flag stuff too much."

"You guys live in Seattle, don't you? Isn't everyone there all decked out in their pride memorabilia?" 

"Sort of. It's not the way you think it is."

"I would love to visit you guys. I've never been to America." 

"You're in school, right?" 

"Yeah."

"Come down for your spring holiday."

"That would be fun. Maybe I'll bring Travis."

We walked together, speaking in friendly babbles. She told me a lot about Travis and her artwork. She showed me pieces she'd done for school; she was incredible. 

"When are you proposing? And what's the plan?"

"We're going to London before we head home, so I was thinking there. But I was also thinking about doing it at this park by our house, it's kinda special." 

"You two live together?"

"We have since we started dating." 

"What's the significance of the park?" 

"Well, it was one night after he left Alex and he called me. Of anyone, he called me. And I took him to this park and we laid under the stars for hours. We just talked and talked. I think that was when I'd started to fall for him." 

Jessica smiled at me. 

"That's so cute." 

I shrugged, "I think he'll just be happy that I'm officially asking." 

"Didn't he technically ask you?"

"Well, he told me, then said he wants a proper proposal. He doesn't really ever ask for much, so why not?" 

"Rings are expensive." 

"He's worth it," I shrugged. 

"Right," she laughed, rolling her eyes. "I think my mum is warming up to you guys." 

"I hope so. I um, I don't have a great relationship with my folks and I want one with yours."

"You won dad," she laughed. "Mum's always struggled with Damon. If I can be honest with you, I think she always knew he'd get into trouble one way or another. He was a really good kid but he's got some mental issues and my parents didn't really take it seriously." 

"Oh." 

"Yeah. He was really good in school but had so much anxiety that when I learned he'd started doing drugs, it was like 'what's new?', you know? It's always the kids you don't expect, so may as well start expecting everyone."

"That's really cynical, Jessica."

"I feel bad for him. It's not his fault he is the way he is." 

"I know. He has such a hard time understanding that he's not some evil, selfish thing. I know it's at the fault of his abuser, and I think he knows it deep down. I just want him to know his worth," I admitted. 

"Yeah. He makes me sad. It's not something you think would happen to your brother, you know? When he left, God, I couldn't even recognize him." 

"That's how it felt when he came home from this trip he went on earlier this year." 

"What?" 

I explained what happened. 

"You stayed with him after that?" 

"Yeah. I um, I love him. Sometimes maybe too much for my own good." 

We shopped in friendly conversation. She bought Damon a record from some musical he loved and went on about how he tried to get their school to do it one year. 

We stopped and got some food, sitting in the courtyard. 

"How long have you been together then?" 

"Two years, two and a half." 

"I've been with Travis since before Damon left. The fact that he still doesn't know his name shows you how things were when he left." 

"How did you feel about it?" 

"I was heartbroken, if I'm honest. I watched my bright, beautiful older brother become this shell of a human being. I didn't know if I'd ever see him again. I just assumed he was going to die while across the pond with some guy." 

"That's how I felt when he left me. I thought he was dead. He wouldn't answer my calls or texts for months. I'd only then found out about the drug use, so I was worried he'd overdosed again." 

"Again?" She asked in a whisper. 

I didn't mean to say that. 

"Shit, that's not really my information to give, I'm sorry. He, um, he's still really uh, ashamed? Of his addiction." 

"It's okay," she nodded. 

"Um, please don't tell anyone."

"I won't."

"I'm sorry he left." 

"I'm just glad he's safe and happy, you know? Damon six years ago would have fainted at the sight of modern day Damon. I think it's amazing how you just swooped in and saved him. Like a fairytale, really." 

"Well, I wouldn't say that. He's done a lot of this recovery on his own. I've just been there to help him stay motivated. He's the one who left his ex, you know. I'd met him twice before that happened."

"Yeah," she nodded. 

"He's strong. I'm really proud of him. He's just," I smiled, "he's so incredibly genius. He's a smartass and he's just so hilarious." 

"You two are cute. I wish I was getting married." 

"Oh, he'll come around." 

Travis had come over for dinner the night before. He was strange but he was good to her. He kept asking me questions about being gay once Damon had fallen asleep. 

"I hope so." 

We ate in silence for a while before Jessica looked up at me. Furrowing my brows, I looked back. 

"Is Damon still a witch?" 

"Damon was a witch?"

"Yeah. Crystals and pentagrams and herbs and stuff. He never shut up about the stars." 

I thought back a while to that second night Damon and I spent together. We sat in my tub and talked until the water turned cold. He told me he believed in the universe and that everyone has their own place in it. 

"Maybe? I mean, he wears crystals all the time and wants a heptagram tattoo." 

"Mum thinks he got into drugs because of it. I had a hard time explaining that there is absolutely no correlation." 

"She means well." 

"She does, I feel awful for her." 

"Me too." 

Back at the house, Jessica and I sorted through gifts and took everything inside. Damon and Keith slept while some action movie played in the lounge. 

"Hi," Damon smiled, wrapping his arms around me. I'd been helping Jessica wrap her gifts for Travis. "How was the mall?" 

"Crowded," Jessica sighed. "We got some good stuff, though." 

"Good," he yawned. I felt his lips against my neck softly, then a grin against my skin. 

"Did you have a good nap?" I chuckled.

"Yeah, but I want to resume it upstairs with you. If that's okay." 

I looked to Jessica who shrugged me off. 

"Goodnight you tossers, I love you."

"Night," he yawned again. "You're a tosser too." 

I laughed and guided Damon upstairs, where we snuggled up in his sheets and shared details about our days. I guess Damon had helped his mum wrap gifts, too. 

"I'm so tired of not being able to shag you," Damon admitted through slurred speech. 

"Oh yeah?" 

"Yeah," he whispered. His hand had krept up my thigh.

"I think it would be weird to do it here." 

"Oh, probably. Maybe we can go to one of those hiding places you were telling me about." 

"Mm, maybe."

He planted a tired kiss on my lips, but I deepened the it, not wanting to let him go. Damon's hands rested on my chest, mine on his hips. 

The feeling of his body in my arms was like placing the final piece of the puzzle. His lips fit with mine as if they were made just for me. 

"I love you," he whispered. Smiling, I picked our kisses back up, slipping my tongue against his. 

We laid there and made out for what felt like hours. Damon held onto me tight and surprisingly took dominance. He had slung one leg over my hips and pushed himself up on his elbow, essentially pinning me down as he kissed me. 

"Baby," I whimpered when we pulled away to breathe. "I like this dominance." 

"Knew you would," he grinned smugly, kissing me again. 

"I remember you saying," I kissed him, "it would be weird to shag in your childhood bed." 

"Snogging isn't sex," he laughed. "Plus, I let a few boys feel me up in this bed." 

"I thought you were with Alex for most of your teenage years?"

"I was, but even before then, my friends and I got bored and, well, you know how boys are." 

"Yeah," I laughed. "My last boyfriend and I started dating because of something like that." 

"Oh, tell me about him." 

"You don't want to know about him," I chuckled. 

"Why not?" 

"My lips hurt from kissing." 

"What was his name?"

"Gene,"I sighed. "We met at my first job and got drunk together one night and had sex. We kind of slowly just started meeting up with each other and we just got closer and closer." 

"Would you have married him?" 

"Oh, my dear." I knew he was onto something. "No. I wouldn't have married him. He and I just drifted apart." 

He went quiet after that. 

"Damon, I didn't love him. He was a really great guy, I just didn't love him." 

"He lives in Seattle?" 

"Bellevue, actually," I sighed, turing onto my side. 

"Hm." 

Fucking hell. I hated it when he got like that. I understood why he did it, but it still hurt and frustrated me. 

"I'm happier now than I ever was with him." 

"It's okay, Graham. I'm not bothered."

"You seem bothered." 

"I'm not," he snapped. 

I let out a deep exhale and gave him a smile, "what did you do today?"

"I helped Mum with gifts and watched movies with Dad. Nothing too interesting," he said, trying to hide whatever he was really feeling. A look of disappointment, or even disgust, rested on his face. 

"What's wrong?" 

"Nothing, I just...I had a conversation with my dad tonight." 

"About what?" I asked. No response. "Damon, what are you thinking about?" 

"Nothing," he replied while his eyes rested anywhere but mine. 

"Don't lie to me. I know when you're lying." 

He stayed quiet. Silence scared me more than any lie he could ever tell me. 

"Damon." 

"What if I stayed here?" 

"What? Why?" I sat up, staring at him in disbelief. His body tensed and his hands fiddled nervously with themselves. "We have a whole future together, great plans ahead of us. Why would you want to throw that all away?" 

"I don't know, really. I mean, my mum's sick. I've liked being here. My family is together again."

"Damon, they cut you almost completely out of their lives. You just want to give up your life for them?" 

I remembered a time Lyndsey joked about Damon not loving me for me but loving me because I'm not Alex. I thought she was trying to make me more angry about the situation than I was. 

"Damon, do you want to marry me because you love me or is it really just for money or some shit and you've been fucking with me this whole time?" 

"Graham," he sighed. 

"Or is it because I'm sensitive and couldn't hurt you? Is it because I'm not a drug dealer? Is it because I'm not A-"

"Stop, Graham."

"What? Am I right?" 

"No," his voice was shaky. Shaky the way it was when he cried to me about his mum. The way it was when he told me about everything that happened to him in his old life. "I love you. I am marrying you because I love you. I love that you're sensitive and yeah it's great that I don't need to panic when I see a police car outside of our building. But I am marrying you for the man that you are. I'm not marrying you because I want your money. I'm marrying you because I want to get all old and gross with you. I want to see you when you're seventy five and still trying to invent some computer thing I'll never understand how to use. 

"And yeah, I do love you because you aren't Alex. You keep me safe and make me feel loved. That isn't anything I've really ever felt. But that isn't everything."

He stares at me, his breaths still shaky. 

"I don't know why there's something in me that leaves when things are good. Daddy issues maybe. Maybe that's why I'm such a fucking fruit. Maybe that's why I fell in love with an older man. Maybe I'm used to feeling like I'll never have a forever home." 

"I'm sorry." 

"Don't be, please. I'm a grown ass man. I can deal with my shit." 

"I'm still allowed to feel bad, Damon."

"You don't need to. I don't need it."

I decided to drop it. Damon was so frustrating at times. I just wanted to take care of him. He deserved to be taken care of. Jamie said he needed to be handled, but I didn't have the heart to get assertive. 

"I had a good time with Jessica." 

"Good," he smiled, grabbing onto my hand. "She likes you. I just wish Mum would give you a chance." 

"Jessica said she thinks she's coming around to it. I really hope so. I'm just glad she's getting to see the you you are right now." 

"What, crazy?" He laughed. 

"And incredibly smart, kind, compassionate,creative-" 

"Shh," he laughed again, pressing his finger to my lips. I grabbed onto his wrist and pulled it away. 

"Creative, beautiful, witty, funny-" 

He pressed his lips to mine to shut me up. 

"And you teased me for not liking compliments." 

"You're cute when you're all embarrassed." 

"And you aren't? I'm afraid it's terribly adorable when your cheeks go all red."

"Stop," he pouted. I leaned in and kissed him then squeezed his hip. He brushed my hair out of my eyes and looked up at me. "Me and Jess should do your makeup. You'd look so hot." 

"Yeah?" I laughed. "I'll think about it." 

That next day, Christmas Eve, they ended up going through with the Graham-in-makeup thing. I hated it. False lashes are heavy and lipstick gets everywhere. But I'd do anything to make him smile like that.

"I told you you'd look hot," Damon teased. 

"Oh, fuck off," I laughed. He kissed me then grinned down at me, red smudges on and around his lips. 

"You're lucky I love you." 

He laughed it off and helped me take it off. 

The day was nice. We watched movies as a family until dinner, then opened the pajamas they got every year. I didn't expect them go get me any. 

"We match," Damon laughed once we'd both changed. Jessica got each couple their own matching set. She and Damon were painfully similar. 

He sat with Hazel, cuddled up to her side with her arm around him. My head was in his lap as he played with my hair. We all shared stories and laughed and played games. I couldn't help but be choked up by the sense of home.

Maybe I should call my mother. Maybe I can have a relationship with them again and introduce them to Damon and I can have a normal life. 

I was snapped from my thoughts when Damon kissed my head. 

"Are you ready for bed, dear?" 

"Mhm," I yawned. 

"Well," Damon sighed, smiling over at Hazel. "We're going to bed. Love you mumma." 

She kissed his head, "goodnight, boys. Merry Christmas." 

Damon and I went upstairs and immediately snuggled up in bed. 

"I love you," he sighed, "and you're warm and snuggly and cute, but I'm so tired of this tiny ass bed." 

"No I get it," I laughed. "This bed is not meant for two." 

"It's not," he yawned. "We used to have a mattress under my bed, but it's not there anymore." 

"It's okay. Maybe we can take turns on the sofa?" 

"You've got back problems, it'll fuck it up worse." 

"Good point," I said in a yawn. "Maybe we just cuddle up good and tight to save space."

"Fine by me." 

"Alright," I grinned, kissing his head. "Goodnight, my love."

"Merry Christmas." 

"Merry Christmas." 


	13. This is what you've done to me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> cw/ druge use, abuse, and violence

Once we were home, things were different again. Months passed and Damon changed as the seasons did. He'd started school and got a job on campus. He'd even made friends.

One was a girl named Justine and she had a boyfriend named Brett, and they were beautiful. Brett had a roommate named Dave, and he came around sometimes, too.

This new socialization warmed Damon up to people again. He still struggled at parties, but my friends insisted.

I was beginning to find them intolerable, and Damon so clearly was too. They were at my flat more than I was and Damon, well, he flat out did not like them.

"I have an exam tomorrow," Damon yawned.

"I know, I'll try to make them leave," I sighed, kissing his head. He nodded. I went out to try my best at getting them to leave, only to bump into a very stoned Caroline.

"Graham!" She cheered. "I missed you! You should come smoke with us."

"Cara,"I sighed. "I asked you repeatedly to not bring drugs into my house."

"You're no fun anymore."

"You know Damon's in recovery. I know you guys don't love him, but the least you could do is respect him."

"Right," she sighed, rolling her eyes. I wanted her to leave.

Sarcastically, I grinned, "thanks," and moved on with my night.

Chrysanthemum held onto a very drunk Lyndsey on our couch. Cara's boyfriend, Jeremy, was passed out next to them.

"Hey," she smiled.

"Hi, um, when were you guys planning on heading out?"

"What time is it?"

"It's midnight."

"You're an old man," Lyndsey slurred.

"Damon has an exam tomorrow."

"What's been up with him lately?" Chrysanthemum asked kindly. "He's been such a hermit, I'm worried."

"He doesn't like parties, that's all. He still hangs out with you guys."

"I know. He wouldn't even go into the gas station to get drinks with Jeremy earlier."

"He's going through a lot," was the best I could come up with. I know he didn't like Jeremy and he wanted to stay away from alcohol.

"I know. Poor kid. I love him."

"Me too," I smiled. "He's okay."

She nodded,"I'm going to try and sober Lynn up and get everyone else home."

"Okay. I'm going to talk to Damon."

As I walked away, I heard Lyndsey mumble something about Damon.

"Hi baby," I greeted, sitting next to him on the bed.

"Hi," he waved, keeping his book in his hands.

"Are you okay?"

"I want to be alone."

"Dames, sweetheart, you've been alone for three weeks. It's worrying me."

"There's just too many people. I don't want to be a party pooper."

"Okay. Come out when you're ready."

He nodded and smiled at me.

"Why didn't you go into the store with Jeremy?"

"I didn't want to."

"Okay. He thinks you hate him."

"I don't, " he sighed. "There's just too many people."

I laid down in bed with him, resting my hand on his hip.

"Are you okay?" He asks, turning to face me.

"Yeah," I hummed, smiling.

"I never get to worry about you."

"You don't need to."

"I know, I just want to."

"Cutie."

"Why don't you get back to your party?"

"I want to go on a walk."

"With me?"

"Of course."

"We can't just leave."

"Sure we can. No one will care."

He stopped to consider.

"Alright."

We packed up a blanket and walked down to Seattle Center. Damon held my hand tight. We passed a homeless couple with a baby and Damon gave them a few dollars.

"That breaks my heart," he told me. "It's the worst thing someone can go through. Especially with that little baby."

"I know."

"It's so hard to look back on that."

"Are you still friends with anyone from that time with Alex? Aside from Jamie, I mean."

"Yeah, but distantly."

"You're a good person, Damon."

"Oh, fuck you," he laughed.

"No, I'm serious."

"Okay." He shook his head and linked our pinkies together.

"Baby, do you like speeches?"

"If they're entertaining."

"Alright," I said, pulling him through the park.

"What's your speech?" he laughed. I grabbed the blanket from Damon's backpack and spread it on the grass, approximately where we laid that first night.

"I didn't say I had one."

"Come on," he laughed, laying down on the blanket.

"It's more of a monologue."

"Start."

"Patience, my love."

I got into my bag and grabbed a bottle of sparkling water.

"Oh, classy," he laughed.

"Thanks, five dollars from Fred Meyer."

"Damn."

I opened the bottle and passed it his way.

"Anyway," I cleared my throat. He laid back and giggled. "Don't laugh at me."

"Give me a kiss before you start."

I leaned down and kissed him.

"So," I readjusted my body to face him. "When I was twenty-two I decided I was tired of moping about my house after I'd broken up with the person I thought I'd love forever. I signed up for every dating app or site or group I could. But it was all really shitty.

"Then one night, I got stood up. Usually people had the decency to show up and pretend they were interested. But when I was ready to leave, I heard this obnoxious southern UK accent. I hadn't heard one in so long. It intrigued me."

He was beaming up at me. I always liked the way he looked at night. Those blue eyes that could make the ocean weep.

"So I went and talked to him. I thought he was crazy. But he practically begged me to take him home."

Damon gasped, playfully hitting my arm.

"He did not!"

"Anyway," I laughed, "then he disappeared and I thought I'd never see him again. I thought it would be a one night stand, even if it was two nights. But then he showed up and changed my life, but a few months at a time. I fell so deeply in love with him. Every moment he was away from me, I felt empty. I grew to love everything about him, from his shaggy hair to the tips of his fingers and the bottoms of his feet. I loved that he loved danger. I loved that he couldn't ever keep his hands off of me and loved to kiss me."

Damon grinned up at me and kept our hands on his chest.

"One night he told me to marry him. I thought he was joking, but I realized a few months later that I really really loved him.

"He drove me nuts. Always leaving dishes in the sink, cabinets open, and he left his shoes in the doorway. Oh, and he always left the back door open and let the flies in."

Damon laughed.

"Sounds like a slob."

"It used to drive me mad. But then, after I thought I lost him forever, I found that I couldn't live without those things. When I get up in the morning and the apartment is cold and there's a mug in the sink, I know it's because he got up early to watch the sunrise. And I know when his shoes are spread around the entryway that he's home. That he's safe."

I sat up and held his hand in mine. He didn't say anything to me. I kissed his hand gently.

"I love him more than anything I have ever loved."

He smiled at me.

"He loves you too."

"You know," I look up at the sky, "I think I fell for him the third time I met him. He asked me, out of all of the people he knew, to pick him up. And I brought him here. I saw the twinkle of the city lights in his eyes and the compassion in his soul. How brilliant he really is."

"What's his name?"

"Well," I held up his hand to kiss it once more. "I'm torn between Graham Albarn versus Damon Coxon, not sure how I feel about either. We could hyphenate, maybe. Be the Albarn-Coxon household."

He smiled up at me again. A look of inexplicable joy on his face.

"I think that this finger would look really amazing with a ring on it," I said, gently running my finger tip along his ring finger, over where the ring will go.

"Just say the words," he laughed.

"Damon Albarn," I declared, "I want you to be my husband. For real."

"I'd love to," he exclaims, pushing me back and kissing me hard. I laugh and reach into my jacket pocket to grab the ring box.

"Let me get the ring."

He sat back and stared eagerly at me. I pulled the box from my pocket, the ring from the box, then slid it onto Damon's finger.

"Oh my God, it's gorgeous."

"Here," I said after putting my ring on, too. "I've got mine, too."

He smiled and kissed me.

Not much time passed, but Damon stayed close to me. We held each other like it would be the last time.

"I don't want to go home."

"We don't have to," I whispered, kissing up his neck. "I think the food court is still open."

Damon sat up and stretched his arms.

"I'm starving."

We packed our things and went inside. The building was smaller than I remembered. It was late, so the only people there were workers and homeless people.

On his way to our table with our food, Damon bumped into another man and I heard him profusely apologize, making me grin. I was just in earshot.

"Christ, I'm sorry, that wasn't you at all- Damon?"

I watched them for a moment. I didn't fully catch what Damon was feeling.

"Hi," he sighed, a clearly fake smile on his face.

"You're looking well."

The man was older than us. His sweater was too big for him and he hadn't shaved in a few days. Damon froze in his spot, nearly expressionless and tense.

"Thanks. I-"

"It's been so long."

Fear. That's what it was. Damon glanced at me briefly.

"Yeah."

"Are you doing okay? I heard you're clean. I worry about you so much."

"I'm fine. Listen, I have to go-"

"No, no, let us catch up some. What are you doing for work?"

"None of your business."

Damon's eyes met mine and I went to stand but he shook his head.

"I'm just making small talk."

"I don't want to talk to you."

"What's that on your finger?"

"Alex, please leave me alone-"

"What? I'm not allowed to catch up? I haven't seen you since you lied to me, stole from me, and disappeared for no apparent reason."

Fuck.

I stood from my seat and went to them, but Damon shook his head again.

"Alex, it's been two years. Leave me alone," he spat, going to walk away. Alex grabbed his arm.

"Hey," I called, "you get your hands off of him."

"You left _me_ for _him_?" Alex laughed.

"Get away from me," Damon said, starting to back away.

"I didn't do shit to you."

"You fucked my whole life up!" He snapped, "don't come anywhere near me or I swear to God, I will fucking kill you. Don't you dare come near me or my home or my friends."

"Oh, princess, you couldn't hurt a fly."

I'd never seen Damon aggressive or violent. His jaw clenched and shook, trying his best to keep his composure. I watched him ball his fist up but hold himself back.

"Leave me alone!" He shouted, gaining the attention of workers around us.

"I just want to talk."

"About what?"

"Why did you leave me?"

"It's none of your business."

"Damon," he whispered sadly. His expression softened, as well as his grip on Damon's arm. "Please, I'm still so heartbroken, I just want to know what I did wrong."

He sighed, "I was unhappy." His arm pulled itself away from the older man.

"I had life made for you! You didn't need to work or anything, and you got everything you could have wanted."

"Maybe it was what I wanted, but it's not what I needed."

"What do you need? Some whimpy guy that can hardly protect you?" He laughed, gesturing to me.

"I can protect myself. Graham doesn't need to protect me. And, you can't even say that when you couldn't even be enough of a man to deal with your anger in any other way that wasn't literal domestic violence. I don't need you and I never will. Please, I'm asking you nicely, to leave me alone."

Alex dropped his hand from Damon's arm and took a step back. If I hadn't known better, I would have felt bad for him.

"I'm sorry," he whispered. Damon's expression softened, but he straightened his back and went to start walking away. "Please."

"Go away."

"I just want to talk to you."

"If I wanted to talk I would have done it a long fucking time ago."

Things began to make sense in that moment. Alex acted and spoke to Damon now the way Damon talks to me when he's upset.

"I just want to know why you left me."

"I told you. I was unhappy. Please just drop it and leave me alone."

Alex nodded and fixed his sleeves. He looked to me, then back to Damon. His body faced mine again.

"Take care of him."

Damon's face twitched. His chest heaved, anger and panic written across his face. Alex turned on his heel and went on his way.

I went to Damon, who kept walking. He slid our food onto the table and plopped down on the bench with a huff.

Sometimes, being quiet is the right thing to do. I've learned that with Damon, talking about things right when they happen only makes him angry. But, nevertheless, watching him cope silently was brutal.

He ate his food slowly and avoided eye contact. It made him look so small, that sadness. Perhaps he was still that small and everything these last few months was a ploy to make me happy. We had promised complete honesty, but maybe he wasn't telling himself the truth about that.

Thunder rolled outside. Fluorescent lights buzzed above our heads, filling the one AM stillness while workers closed up shop. Swallowing hard, I reached for his hand and gave it a squeeze. He glanced up at me and I simply shot him a loving grin.

"I love you," I mouthed. He nodded and took a bite of his food.

"We should have driven."

"I know," I sighed. "I was too excited to give you that ring and didn't think oh, 'we live in the rainiest city on Earth'," I cracked, hoping for at least a chuckle.

"It's okay. Maybe it'll clear up or we can take an Uber."

"Yeah." I let go of his hand and watched him for a second. His hair was long again, falling over his eyes and curling up under his ears. He had a scruff, too. "Baby?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you want to talk about it?"

"Why would I want to talk about it?"

"Sorry," I sighed. I forget how mean he can be sometimes. One thing I try to remember is that he is just used to constantly being on the defense, even if he doesn't need to be. He closed up his food and reached into his backpack.

"I don't have an umbrella."

"Let me call an Uber."

"I need some fresh air."

We packed up and went outside, sitting on a bench that lived underneath a canopy, sheltered from the downpour.

"He looks old," Damon finally said. "Like, older than he is. Much older." He turned to look at me with a sigh. "Don't you think it's a little pathetic that it's been two years and he's still obsessed with me?"

"I do." I did spend nearly four months obsessing, too. But I didn't mention that.

"He looked so sad. He didn't look like himself. He at least used to be charming. Now he's just lanky and malnourished and just...mean looking."

"I mean, to be fair, he is mean."

"Yeah, I guess. I'm so glad I got out of there," he lamented, twisting his ring around his finger. "I'd probably be dead if I hadn't left. That's awful to think about, you know? I don't want to be dead. I have too much to do."

"If it helps, I don't want you to be dead either."

"Yeah," he chuckled. "Thank you for being there for me, Gra, by the way. I don't think I could have lasted if I didn't have you. You're strong and that makes me feel stronger, you know?"

My face warmed a bit, "I guess. You're welcome."

"I wonder if there's a me in some other timeline that never met his Graham and is still there. I wonder what life is like for him, or if he left, too. I hope there isn't a me somewhere that chose to stay."

"I get it," I nodded. "I hope that every version of me has found his Damon."

He smiled at me. I wanted to cry. I hadn't cried in front of him, that I remembered.

A white car pulled up next to the building with a blue Uber light. The driver waved to us.

The man made small talk, as they usually do. Damon was usually one to talk, too. But not tonight. Instead he sat against the window with his leg to his chest and his hand in mine.

Chrysanthemum was still there when we got home. She was doing dishes.

"I was worried," she yawned. "You two just disappeared!"

She'd gotten everyone home. Lyndsey was a mean drunk anyway.

"You don't need to clean up," Damon yawned, hugging her from behind. "It's okay."

"Where did you two go?"

"The park," he told her. "You'll never guess what happened."

"What?"

"Well, some bum guy asked me to marry him and gave me this shiny thing," he hummed, flashing his ring to her.

She gasped, "oh my God! Graham, this is gorgeous."

I smiled modestly. It was expensive.

"Yeah," Damon grinned, "then we ran into an old friend. But I'm too happy about this to even let that bother me."

That makes one of us. But I could also tell when Damon was lying.

Chrys eventually sent us off to bed after we shared some leftover birthday cake. They told stories of times with their families and first crushes and things while I could only think about the way Alex grabbed Damon. What if I hadn't been there?

In bed, Damon kissed my chest tenderly, trying his best not to cry. His body had tensed up and his grip wasn't as warm and cozy as it usually was.

"I'm sorry you had to see that."

"I'm so proud of you, Damon." He peered up at me, brows furrowed. "Yeah. You're a total badass. You kicked his ass."

"It's what he deserves," he scoffed. "God, I don't know what I ever saw in him! I mean, yeah, he used to be cute but now he looks like a dead rat. I bet no one shags him anymore."

"Yeah?" I laughed.

"Yeah, if he can even get it up."

I closed my eyes, trying not to laugh more. Damon was pretty serious. "Say that again?"

"Cocaine eats your sex drive," he shrugged. "Clearly I never lost mine."

"Huh."

"It's a nasty drug. It's a shame it's so much fun."

"Oh my God," I laughed again. "Sweetheart."

"What?" He scoffed. "Just because I don't do it anymore doesn't mean I can't say it's fun."

"I guess."

He turned onto his back and looked up at the ceiling. Glow in the dark stars pasted to the drywall, the way it was in his bedroom back in England. He and I worked tirelessly to work in the constellations.

"Hey," I yawned, "I love you so much."

"Hey, I love _you_ so much."

I squeezed his hip and stared up at him. A lump formed in the back of my throat and my eyes began to water. I was supposed to be happy, but Alex took that from us. Just like he took Damon from me before.

Unfortunately, Damon took notice to my tears quickly and just pulled me into a hug.

"Hey," he cooed in my ear. "I love you."

I didn't say anything but I let myself melt into him. His body had relaxed. He was warm.

"I hate him," I eventually spat out.

"Me too, baby. Let it all out."

"He-he just keeps ruining things. Tonight was supposed to be so happy and he ruined it."

"I wouldn't say ruined."

"Damon, I've never seen you so scared. And even if we're happy now, he's all I can think about. The way he held onto you and manipulated every word you said. It made me so angry."

"I get it," he nodded. "That's what he does. But it got to a point where I could see right through it. I realized he's just a sad man who can't do anything right to save his life. He couldn't keep a job so he started selling drugs. He couldn't keep a relationship so he essentially stole one from a vulnerable boy. He takes and takes and takes and all I had to do was stop giving, you know?"

I nodded and wiped my eyes. His arm pulled me closer.

"When I think about him I get angry. Then I remember that he has to be him every single day. He has to live with those ugly thoughts. I remember that I am safe, away from him, here with you. I won't let him infiltrate our lives again."

A clap of thunder and a flash of lightning outside the window, the sound of speeding cars. Damon's hand, cold, rested under my chin. My eyes closed. Damon kissed my head.

"I'm sorry," I whispered. He only kissed my lips.

A gust of wind came, the rain banging against the building. Our eyes met again, faces close. His finally rested on his pillow, eyes fluttering closed again. I pulled the blankets up over us and turned on my side.

Damon sighed and slipped one arm around my waist. "I love you," he said.

-

Watching from afar, my skin crawled as Alex puts his hand on Damon. A smile resided on Damon's lips, but a faint bruise hid under his sleeve.

I tried to get close to them, but the only kept walking.

"Damon!" I cried. Alex turned to face me with an evil grin. His grip tightened until Damon let out a sob, only to have Alex's facial expression soften. He kissed his head, and that smile returned to my boy's face.

City life brushed past us, my feet pulling me through and weaving through the crowd. I could only see the soft tufts of Damon's blonde hair over everyone. I could spot him anywhere.

My shoes were full of cement, wearing me down and keeping me back. "Damon!"I screamed out again as the people rushed past me. I did not care about them.

Trying my best to keep my head above the water, I followed them until they entered a thousand story building, surrounded by ugly storm clouds. As they disappeared inside, I threw myself at the door and tried to pull it open. It was locked.

Then, finally, someone came to get me. It was a woman, short and blonde. She couldn't look at me. She didn't speak.

As we walked, my chest filled with cement, too. Fear for what I'd see.

Screaming came from this apartment, labeled 67C. Alex's sinister diction boomed through the hallway, belittling Damon. I wanted to break the door down and save him, but the blonde woman stopped me.

"You don't want to know."

"Is he hurting him?" I asked, shaking. I didn't know how he got back into our lives, but Damon was with him again, and happy.

"It's better that you don't know."

There was a bang, then silence. I threw my body into the door to break it open. There lie Damon in a lump on the floor. Next thing I knew, my hands clamped around Alex's neck.

A clap of thunder and movement next to me brought me back to Earth. Damon next to me, safe. His face pale, his eyes meet mine.

"Are you okay?" He asked. He sat up, rubbing his eyes. His voice when he woke up was deeper than normal, and somehow much more melancholy.

"Nightmare," I mumbled. "Why are you up?"

"Nightmare."

"What happened in yours?"

"Nothing," he sighed. I nodded and reached for him. His body cradled up to mine.

Wind crashed up against the building, whistling through our eardrums.

"I can't believe it's still storming," Damon said. He said something else, but the words were out of order. I could only focus on my nightmare, seeing his lifeless body on the floor. I stared at him, grateful for the rising of breath in his chest and the soft pink of his cheeks. "What time is it?"

"Oh," I sniffled, turning to check my phone. "Four."

"That's ugly," he yawned. His face rested on my chest, just under my collarbone. One finger poked at my lip, "I'm worried about you, lovebug."

"Lovebug?" I tiredly laughed. "My dream was just bad. I'm okay."

"Are you sure? You seem...shaken."

"Well,"I sighed, "Alex shot you."

"Oh."

"I killed him."

"Oh." He laid down on his back, looking up to the ceiling.

"There was a blonde lady there. I didn't recognize her. But she tried to hide it from me."

He looked over to me again, confused. He went to speak, but stopped. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay." His eyes closed for a moment, a deep breath in his chest. Then, they opened and focused on me. The rain had stopped.

"I dreamed I was with Alex, too," he sighed. "The night I overdosed. I um, I cut my hand open with a knife when I was really high. I got higher to ease the pain, and that's when it happened. I just keep reliving it. It's like my brain just keeps reminding me that I'll never get rid of that memory."

He lied to me about that scar. I knew he did. I decided not to comment on that, knowing it would cause a fight. It would also remind him how he used to be, and I knew he was trying to escape it.

"I'm sorry."

"It's okay!" He nervously laughed,"I just wish it would go away."

"I understand."

"We really need therapy."

"You're telling me," he scoffed, snuggling back up to my side. I listened to him speak nonsense, to his breath, and felt every place his body met mine. His shoudler tucked under my armpit, his head resting under my elbow, his hand on my chest. Loving every place our nerves touched. Appreciating that he was with me, and that he was safe. He wasn't going anywhere.


End file.
